Yup...still here!
Duckies are starting to be put in a row. My Mother keeps asking me how I stand it; simple, I have a life to look forward to that doesn't involve a drunk. He has been sick for over a month now, so I decided to document each days illness. There is one every day and it is usually something different. He works about 4-5 days out of a month and I can't get him to leave the house for any length of time. I'm so sick and tired of it all.....but I'm just not at the point yet where I can leave.
So....let me begin: Saturday, Sunday and Monday was most earache with his last months cold on top of it all.
Tuesday was earache and stomach (sick, pain, "gurgly").
Today is the old standby: Gout.
Let's just see what tomorrow brings.
Long Time Gone...But Not Any Better!
It seems that I can't get my post to publish anymore, so I decided to just go ahead and write and make it a draft until I can get this thing to post again.
Do I have any new or better news?? Lots of new...only a little better. Where to begin....
The DSS gave him 90 hours of Alcohol and Drug Rehab meetings at a cost of something like $40.00 and hour. He freaked. Told the kid that either she was going to pay for it or her (now ex) boyfriend was going to pay for it, that he wasn't doing it, even if it meant going to jail. I thought 'yeah...throw his ass in jail'...BUT, the DSS called me yesterday and ask if he is ever left alone with Ashley when he's drinking. I told the DSS worker that it wasn't for any length of time; either I am home or she is at work. So guess what they decided to do??? Close the case and let him off scott free. She ask me if I felt like he needed the meetings and I told her 'yes, but they wouldn't do any good except to make him mad'. She understood.
Addendum: 08/22/07
Going to a concert tonight with my niece. I will be so glad to get the hell out of the house. I went back and saw the lawyer again and she told me that my best option was to leave and have then give him the time to move out, so I could move back in. It all sounds all great and everything...but I don't have #3500 dollars to give her right now. I'm saving and it WILL happen. I try being civil, but it has gotten to the point where I don't even like being around him...ever. The kid has a new job, a car and a new boyfriend. She seems pretty happy and content at the moment. That is a good thing. I think she was ready to emancipate and leave, too, but her Dad signed for her a car, so she's sticking around...for now. With school coming back up, work and dating, she won't be around much which will help her to cope a little better.
I'm going to see my best friend next month....I haven't told 'it' yet, because he will want to go and I don't want him to and neither does my bestest friend. We are going to see Alice Cooper. I can hardly wait. It's been close to 20 years since I've seen him live.
Nothing has really changed at my house. He still drinks and bitches and gets on my last nerve, but he is not drinking to the passout point right now. Not sure why...but most times I wish he would, then I wouldn't have to deal with him.
Ok...I'm going to post this for now. I will try to start doing a little better, if this thing will let me post.
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Dragging Days
Yes, he got convicted of DUI...yes, the evening was HELL! He got his license taken for a year (restricted) and he had to pay a fine, do community service and finish his substance abuse classes. Like THOSE are doing him any good...I think NOT!!!
The weekend was a nightmare and a charm. Jeff got the pole for the race and then went on to win at Phoenix...one track he has never won from. I was so happy, I cried. Then on Sunday the Nugs won their 1st game against the Spurs in the playoffs. I was smiling even while I was being put down and yell at in the background. I had good things in my life for a change.
My car will not be ready until about the 2nd week of May. Seems that the transmission is on backorder...hmmm, makes you wonder why? Are their transmissions so crappy their aren't even any around??? Oh, well, I still love my car and I miss it. Soon.
I actually worked with the hub this weekend, just so I could make a few extra dollars. Then when I ask him about cutting me a check yesterday (he has already been paid for the job), he got all mad and acted like he didn't want to pay me. He said (very sarcastically)..."how much do you want...half???" What an ass. I get paid what anyone who works with him get paid. $10/hr. So even though I had to get up at 5 in the morning and didn't get home until 11:30, I still got a WHOPPING $35. wooohooo!! Ok, I'll shut up now.
Will this nightmare ever end??? Yes, I saw a lawyer. Was it good news...hell no! I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I'm going to have to come up with some money to be able to rid myself of the pain of being cut down all the time. I'm really, really tired of the whole cherade. I just want to have some peace and quiet and not dread going home every day. I truly hate my life right now. The only bright spot is so far away....and my reach is getting weak.
Nobody wants me!
I can't seem to get a lawyer who handles contested divorces to call me back. Is there that many people getting divorced these days that they don't even want to deal with someone new? Oh, I WILL find one. I may have to go out of town, but I will.
Ok...to bring 'you' up to speed. The weekend was halfway peaceful. He didn't drink much; at least not enough to start his usual arguments. I knew it was just a calm before the storm, but I thank god for any blessing of peace, however small they may be. Saturday I went up to Mother's and did my usual cleaning and getting her ready for the day (shower, clothes, etc.). We went to the cemetary and put flowers on for Easter. Then I went home and got ready to go to Wal-Mart with the 'family' (if you can call us that anymore). I was blissfully happy to get some groceries and supplies in the house. It's not like he was being nice or had the money, it is coming out of our tax refund...WHICH, BTW, is going straight into HIS account. He says "oh don't worry I won't cheat you". I guess that is to be seen. I'm the one who works a regular job and pays taxes all year through and he gets the refund at the end of the year when he's made about 4 times more than me working his business or with his Dad (all under the table money)...go figure. And don't think for one minute that I see any of the money he makes. He throws me a 'bone' every once in a while (a tank of gas, fixing a part on my car, rigging a leaking tire - super glued that one, or maybe paying me back for some fast food I picked up one night...generous, isn't he??). Then I have to hear about how many credit card bills I have; hmmmmm...wonder why? Or how he "loaned" me money. Do spouses loan each other money? Is that the new way to do it? That wasn't the way I was brought up. But I guess that matters not. Ok..I've gone off on a rant here, as usual. Anyway, we picked up 3 movies to watch over the weekend. Saturday night there was nothing coming on until late, so we watched 'The Holiday'. A 'chick' flick but pretty good. Peacefully, I got to watch my ballgame...although I was so tired that I kept falling asleep. Guess that was me winding down some. Something I don't get to do often.
Sunday was Easter. I had to play handbells so I took Mother and the kid to church, then went to Mothers for lunch. It would have been a nice peaceful Easter except that the toilet in Mothers big bathroom sprung a leak. That took all afternoon to get fixed and the kids boyfriend was suppose to come over and watch a movie with us that evening. I finally got her home to clean herself up and get her chores done before her boyfriend came over. The evening was fairly peaceful. Of course after the boyfriend left, the hub had to bitch about everything the boyfriend did wrong (talked on his cell phone, fell asleep during the movie, texted the kid..who was sitting right next to her...stupid teenage stuff. It bothered me, too, but not enough to make a big deal out of it!). Finally, got to go to bed and be thankful that I got to go back to work on Monday. How horrible is it to feel that way?? But that is the way I feel.
Monday night he got pretty tipsy and was argumentative, as usual, but last night was the KICKER. He's in court right at this minute for his DUI hearing and I KNEW he would get drunk last night for two reasons...(1) the aforementioned court hearing and (2) the kid and him got into a fight after having a 'great' day together (as he put it). Her Mom's child support check came yesterday and he said that her whole attitude changed when he got that in the mail and she just let him have it with both barrels. Then he called me at work; got me in trouble with my bosses and blew his stack at me. I knew last night would be bad. But the worst of it was that the kid got sick. Her side started hurting her again and I heard in the bathroom throwing up. When I went in there she was sitting in the floor, heaving and crying. I ask her if she wanted to go to the emergency room and she said 'yes'. I was just going to take her myself, but her drunk father wanted to go, too. And what did he do, you say?? He made wise cracks the whole trip AND while we were in the emergency room about calling 'Momma' (the emergency helicopter from Asheville) to come and get her; and should he call in the whole family because she was dying. He felt like she was faking it. Well, maybe she was, but he didn't have to say all those things and make her feel even worse. After sitting at the emergency room for a while without getting seen, she said that it had subsided enough that she just wanted to go home and go to bed. So that's what we did. I put her to bed with a cold cloth, some clear soda and a piece of hard candy for the naseau. And the whole rest of the evening (which by that time was thankfully short), I had to hear about how she was faking it for attention and he KNEW it. How she was just like her Mother (his biggest beef with her) and he was sick and tired of her games. He embarrassed me in the ER by saying all that ugly stuff to her. I told him one time to chill out, but it didn't help. I figured that was really why the kid finally decided she wanted to go back home.
And if he gets convicted of DUI today??????? Tonight will be just peachy, too. I'm so tired.
Disgusted!
Oh....if you really want something to make you sick, well here it is. The IDIOT got so drunk on Thursday night (the 29th) of this past weekend that, while I was taking a shower he stood right outside the bathroom door and peed in the floor and all over his shorts and his underwear. I could NOT believe he did that. I was so thoroughly disgusted I couldn't even do anything but curse him while I took his wet clothes off and put some dry clean underwear on him. It was like dressing a wet noodle. The kid helped me clean up the HUGE wet spot in the floor (bless her and I'm sorry for her to have to see her Daddy like that, too!) Then he just hung on the side of the bed passed out and on Friday when I wouldn't talk to him, he didn't remember a thing. I told him that was the last straw, that I wanted him to leave (like I haven't told him that a million times before) and I wanted a divorce. Do you think it did any good??? NOOOO. He said "I'm sorry" and "I'll do better", which, of course, turned into his usual UGLY "It's my house, too and I don't have to get out...you leave". Ooooooooooo. I was ill. And he just got bad over the weekend and gave me a hard time at every turn possible when I had an extremely busy and hard weekend ahead of me. He was so mean and spiteful that he wouldn't even go for my Mother's birthday luncheon on Sunday afternoon. Not that I really wanted him to go...I definitely had a better time with him not there, but it was just the principal of the whole thing. Today is actually her birthday and he called to wish her a Happy Birthday, like that was going to be good enough. She knows how he treats me and she doesn't like it.
Oh, I even called my brother to come and get my drunk, mean argumentative husband out of the house for me before I hurt him and HE WOULDN'T DO IT!!! He said he had been drinking, too, and couldn't drive. Well, I understand that. But he drives any other time. I see who is on my side and who is not. Great to know your brother is behind you ***inserted with severe sarcasm***. That was on Saturday night. And my brother was suppose to come down for his Mothers birthday luncheon, too, but he "slept late" and couldn't make it. You know I really hate people that drink anymore. I don't even want to be anywhere near them. I can't believe all the years that I was a musician and hung out in bars. I must have been crazy. I'm just glad that I quit when I did. I see it from a different perspective now.
And, I also took pictures the night the hub peed in the floor, but he found my camera again and erased them. Dummy me didn't take the memory card out. I'll know better from now on. I just so wish I could get him out of the house. I would be soooo much happier without him to contend with day in and day out with the fights fights fights. That's all it is anymore and I'm so tired. And I may have to take another job to make ends meet, but it would still be better than living like this.
Notes and Last Night
I have been unable to get into my Blog for over a week, so I had to make notes about a few days where things were at their usual, but I wanted to write it down. I got the mini cassette recorder from Mother last week and have tried to record some of his drunken ramblings, but only got one conversation where he wasn't as bad as usual.
He called me here at work two weeks ago and told me that he was going to quit drinking and going to the Employment Security Commission and look for a job. He quit for a whole TWO DAYS....then he 'conveniently' pulled his back out (cleaning the litter box, he says) and guess what happened THAT night!!!!??? Drunk again. That was on the 17th and of course he got argumentative and told me I COULD HAVE EVERYTHING...HE WOULD SIGN THE PAPER!!! I should have had him do it right then and there. I have no idea if it would hold up in court, since he was impaired, but it couldn't hurt. Then on the 18th, he got so drunk he passed out in the bathroom floor again. I couldn't get a picture because he was up against the door. He finally came out while I was watching my Denver Nuggets game and thankfully, he kept his mouth shut.
Last night (the 28th) I went to my Mothers to get her PJ's on around 7:30. I stayed for a little while and got home shortly after 8. He was snockered. He couldn't talk and he was having extreme difficulty walking...but he finally stumbled off and went and passed out. I got on the computer and checked my e-mail and then watched LOST. He was lucid by that point, but still, thankfully, didn't say much. We got 2 calls from his Dad in the middle of the night. He was at the hospital with Dave's Mom, who had accidentally (yeah right!!) overdosed on her BP medicine. No...she had taken too many of her BP meds thinking they were pain pills or anti-depressants and whammo...ended up in the hospital. Do you think they put the crazy woman on the psych ward??? No...they gave her Morphine, because she was complaining of pain. What is WRONG with these people??? Dave didn't want to go down there either, which surprised me. I guess this is his way of showing me up for staying with my Mother. But what he doesn't realize is that his Mom has got his Dad. My Mother has me. Oh, well...I know nothing will ever change. Now if I could just get an appointment with the lawyer that was recommended to me, all will be right with the world...I hope.
Papers Anyone??
Last night he told me to go get papers to get him out of the house. Little does he know that is EXACTLY what I'm trying to do. He is calling my bluff, I'm sure. The last 2 nights he has gotten smashed when I went up to take care of my Mother. Wednesday night he berated Ash about being fat and that I ate too much. I told him that I was nervous eating so as not to take a baseball bat to his head because I was so mad because he was drunk and talking while I was trying my best to watch a movie I had rented. Then last night he got really plastered and got that crazy look in his eyes AGAIN. He told me to go get papers to try and get him out of the house. I told him to give me time. Then he tried to get all nice and sweet. That makes me even more sick than when he's being an ass, because I know it's fake and that he is just trying to keep me from throwing him out.
Oh well, I got a call from a very happy person yesterday, with some good news. That always makes me smile, too. There are good things in life. I'll be glad when I can bring them closer.
Should I Have Expected Any Less....
My 'welcome home' consisted of a full blown drunk husband who wanted nothing more than to argue and bitch about the kid and how horrible she is and what a disappointment she is and how I don't know what he has had to endure since I've been gone (I've only been 3 miles up the road!!!) and all the wonderful things he's done around the house (it looks like a hurricane hit it!). Then he got that crazy look in his eyes that he gets when he's drunk and started in on me. He turned around and pushed me and I kicked the crap out of him. It's a good thing I didn't have a gun...I might have shot him right then and there (although I'm a horrible shot and as mad as I was I probably would have shot myself - WHOOP!!). I told him to 'get the f*ck out'; but I know it will take an officer of the law and separation papers to get him out the door, and then I guarantee he will take or destroy damn near everything I own, claiming he is the one that paid for it all and it should be his. Fine....leave me with a TV and a bed and I'll be fine. Bastard!!
At one point in all of this crazy mess, I thought he had gone to bed to pass out, so the kid and I started watching 'The Illusionist' (great movie, btw) and he came in about mid way through it, cut everything off and started bitching at us again. I was just amazed. And of course, I'm back to being a nervous wreck and worn out again. I should have just gone back up and stayed with my Mother, but dammit, I want to be back in my house with my fuzzy children and my music and my computer and..and..and... BUT NOT HIM!!! I so want him gone. And he just doesn't see it. I can always hope that when I get home this afternoon, he will have gotten a moving van and moved out, but I know that's too much to hope for. And you want to know the REAL kicker?? After all he had said to me and all he had done to me, he thought he deserved a 'roll in the hay'. And he was putting me down and berating me for telling him 'NO'!!! How can anyone be that stupid?? I'm beginning to wonder if I know anything anymore.
Going Home!
I am heading back home this weekend, after staying with my Mother for close to 3 months. I am dreading it like the plague. I am NOT stupid and I know what I'm going back into. I am going to just wait until he screws up...which he will. I have warned him that the first time he gets drunk and starts a fight with me or the kid that he is HISTORY. I wish I could count how many times I have told him this. He just won't leave. But I feel like I've got a little more 'power' on my side now. I've grown stronger since staying with my Mom. I don't let him berate me the way he use to and put up with it. The kid is now 16, I don't have to anymore. I know people think I didn't have to before, but I did. Nobody but me and Ash know what it is like to live in the household. It's been a living hell for way too long. Just prayer for me and a speedy end to this nightmare.
Valentines Day!
Oh...just as another note...guess what I got for Valentines Day???? NADA!!! Zip, zilch - not even a CARD!!!....hmmm, wonder if he is finally getting the hint!!!???
Another Calm Before the Storm?
He has not been drinking when I have been home - either to pick up some stuff to come back up to my Mother's or to watch some TV (like my beloved NASCAR). He drinks after I leave - BUT, the fights have been minimal. I KNOW it won't last and I am just looking forward to talking to a new lawyer this week. I need to know my rights before I got back home. I know it's only a 'calm before the storm'. It always is. He just wants me to come home so he will have someone to fight with again. Not going to happen.
On another note, I'm worried about my friend. I do not like it when it's been 5 days since I heard anything....worries the crap outta me. I get those sinking feelings in my heart and they hurt and I don't sleep. Be well, doll!
Threats and Fights...Always
He called me drunk again last night up at my Mothers. Bastard. Same ole story....poor pitiful me...I'm all alone right now because you are up taking care of your Mother and I have no one to talk to (or clean house or listen to me whine!!!). Well, considering that my phone rings off the hook all evening long when he's drunk, he DOES have someone to talk to and listen to him whine and every time I go down to the house for something, I end up cleaning - dusting; emptying the dishwasher, refilling the dishwasher; vacuuming. And then he has the nerve to threaten me because I said I was going to hang up on him last night. I didn't just DO it, I told him that if he didn't quit calling me drunk and arguing that I would hang up on him. I wasn't going to listen to the same old thing over and over and over again. And you know what he said???? "That will be the worse mistake you ever make". I said "are you threatening me?". I ask him if he was going to kill me or hurt me and he said "no". But what could he have meant?? That he was going to cut my cell phone off - BLESSED DAY!!! PLEASE DO!!! Then I won't have to listen to him CONSTANTLY call me 100 times a day to tell me something STUPID that could wait until after I get off work. It drives me ballistically crazy. He thinks being at my Mothers is driving me crazy (he said he heard it on Dr. Phil - hahahaha!!); but I told him that the only thing that is driving me crazy is him not understanding about what I am doing for my Mother and constantly nagging me about it. That is ALL that is driving me crazy. HE is my only stress. HIM and HIM alone. Will I ever be free of this...I pray everyday that I will.
Loved...
Friday was a wonderful day. I got the reassurance that I needed from my friend that I am loved. People may think prayers do not get answered and, sometimes they don't. Or if they do get answered, it is way down the road. Mine got answered in a day. You just can't beat that. And no matter how much arguing the hub wanted to do this weekend....it didn't matter and I didn't care. He couldn't damper my spirit again. It was on too much of a high for once. I thank the heavens and universe for that!
Old Feelings
My gut hurts. Why does my gut hurt? It's that creeping, mean, disgusting, horrible thing that creeps in every once in a while called 'doubt'. I tell other people not to let it disturb their lives and then I let it creep into mine. It's during those vulnerable times when I'm at my lowest peak and I don't feel I'm worthy for anyone to care about me or love me. And at the same time I feel that no one does, especially the people I love and care about the most. And my gut hurts. My self esteem is shot and I need some reassurance. Please let me get that tomorrow or I really don't know where I will be in this world....very lost, very alone and for once in my life, actually not caring if I lived or died. Please make the doubt go away...please.
New Tactics!
His tactics have changed, but his intentions and his drinking has not. He's trying the 'nice' approach again and it's driving me up the fricking wall!!! I can not STAND when he does this. He doesn't realize how OVER it is. And if I hear the phrase "as far as" one more time, I think I will puke!!! He says it every other word. It makes him sound more stupid than he really is and he is pretty damn dumb most of the time. Just seeing him makes me sick to my stomach, so you know how bad it's gotten. I just want it to be over. I need some sunshine in my life. Oh, Sunshine!!!!!!!
I Am A Terrible Woman
Ok...so that's what I get told because I don't support him in his DUI charge. I have never told him I would support him, because I don't. It was an idiotic thing to do. Get drunk and go down the road with your huge truck and a utility trailer in tow and then commit ROAD RAGE!!! How stupid is that??? Yes, I have driven intoxicated before, I will admit that. But, believe me, that last thing I wanted to do was do something STUPID to draw attention to myself. And the last time I did drive in that condition (plus I don't drink anymore) was close to 10 years ago and everybody else in the car was in worse shape than me. Yes, it was dumb and yes, we should have taken a cab, but it was a very long way back to my best friends apartment and frankly, nobody mentioned it, including me. Ok, there is my big screw up. But I am not going to be made to feel guilty because I didn't go to court with him today. And boy did he lay the major guilt trip on me for it, too. And guess what???? He was DRUNK!!! The night before court and the idiot gets drunk. He said he was "scared". And I told him HE SHOULD BE!!!! Boy I gave him immortal HEDOUBLEL about drinking before he goes to court. I told him that I would have thought that getting charged with DUI was a wake-up call. NOOOOO. He still drinks and drives and he still drinks and fights with me and the kid. I have come to the conclusion that he will never change. Although I don't want to be with him anymore, I was hoping he could change for the kids sake. She loves her Father, although he treats her like crap. But he loves his parents and they treated him worse than crap...so I guess that the line DOES just keep on going. All I can say is that I am glad that I had such incredible parents and grandparents as role models. I think it has made me the person that I am. I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I never will be. And I know I will never be as good a person as my Mother. She is so well loved in this community. But if I can be 1 10th the person she is and that my grandmother was, I will feel good about where I have come in life. Hmmm....think it's time to start looking for a 2nd job. I'm going to need the money.
New Approach!
He doesn't want to deal with his own flesh and blood, so he tells me I have to take care of her. That's fine with me. I don't mind. I know the child is not perfect, she's a teenager; but he can't deal with her. And to beat it all, she was staying here at Mother's with me last night and apparently someone tried to bust into our basement. I think the dog must have scared them off because nothing was taken and no one was there. NO, I didn't go running home all screaming and crying like I think he expected me to. I calmly told him to call the Sheriff's Dept., have them come down, check the house out and make a report for the homeowners insurance. You know what I got from that??? I don't care about the house...that's what he had the nerve to say to me. He was "all shaken up". I've never been afraid in that home and I know I never will be. I'm not an idiot. I'm cautious, but I don't live life afraid all the time. He is different. He couldn't sleep last night, so he said. Heard every creak in the house. He tells me that he can't do this alone. I said "What??" He said take care of the house and the child by himself. I ask him what would he do if he was a single parent. He told me he wouldn't be single. I called him a coward and ask him if he busted the door in just to get me to come home??? He said "f**k u". But, I told him that considering all the things he has threatened to do to the house, it wouldn't surprise me. And I felt like it was a ploy to get me to come home. Well, guess what...not gonna happen until my Mother can be left on her own.
I did get a very welcome call from a friend last night. Thank god for friends that make you smile. *muah*
The New Year
Yea, it's all but new. SSDD over and over and over until I'm sick of hearing me. The drunk ruined the kids 16th birthday on Friday night and also called me at my Moms and tried to lay to old guilt trip on me about how
I was the one ruining the kids 16th birthday because I wasn't home. Well I was the one who went out and bought her a birthday cake and a card; he bought a card for her AFTER he found out I had gotten her one. We had made previous plans to take her out on Saturday to do whatever she wanted to. Of course, he berated her the whole time and made her feel bad because her boyfriend had broken up with her right before her birthday (we took her boyfriends presents back to get the money back for her). It was a nightmare. I felt so sorry for her. The BIG birthday and he ruined it. Got drunk ON her birthday and then the next day when we tried to make it a good time for her, he ruined it again. And he told her he didn't care that he ruined it. I truly understand why my family; especially my sister-in-law and niece; were ready to strangle him at Christmas. He's cruel. My niece actually came up to me and told me "your husband is an asshole". Like I didn't know THAT one already and that's pretty much what I said to her. My Mom told me that my sister-in-law wanted to walk up to him and shake him to death and ask him if he didn't realize what he was doing. He doesn't...I can tell you that right now; and if he truly DOES realize it, he doesn't care. He's just become pathetic. I'm just glad to be away from there right now. Just wish it didn't have to be for the reason it is.
Ok...I know I had more to say; but my head hurts and I miss my best friend. I need to talk... Maybe tomorrow.
Wake Me Up From This Nightmare!
The holidays have been hell. Nothing but fights, although I must say that he has been drinking a lot less. Maybe because I am staying at my Mothers. But he and the kid just can't seem to get along. She's a teenager with a smart mouth that KNOWS how to push his buttons and when she does, it's like the 4th of July. I just have way too much on my plate right now to deal with all the crap. At least since staying with my Mother I have less headaches and I hurt less. Amazing what some relaxation in a different form can do. I stay so busy at her house, but I am NOT stressed. It's great.
Well, after the big fight last night, let's see what tonight holds - YIPEE **insert extreme sarcasm**
Stupid Drunks!
I knew he wouldn't live up to his word. He had PROMISED me that he would not say ANYTHING about me staying with my Mom until she recovers from her broken hip. Last night he must have called me a dozen times, bitching and complaining because I was the one having to stay with her. All it is is that HE is not getting any attention. He is just like HIS Mother. Got to be the center of attention and everyone pay attention to him and his needs and wants and hurts and aches. And if I WAS home, all he would do is bitch and complain. I hung up on him one time last night and he called back and threatened to have my phone cut off. I told him to GO AHEAD. That would make me happy I do believe. Then he COULDN'T get in touch with me. His drunk ass even called and woke me up TWICE last night. Once to tell me that Gerald Ford had died and the other to bitch some more. He knows I've not been sleeping good and then he does that. What a frickin' idiot. I hate drunks!
Another Year Over
I made it through another Christmas. This one was harder than any previous ones. I am staying with my Mother since she broke her hip a little over 2 weeks ago. She is home and needs 24/7 care and guess who that falls on - MOI!!! But as much as she has done for me over the years, I will never complain. She has been such one of my rocks in my life and I will do anything for her.
As for my IS/O...he has been drunk every night since I've been staying with my Mother. Well, let me re-phrase that.....he has been DRUNKER every night since I have been staying with my Mother. He even thought that the kid was ME on Christmas Eve (I was no where around) and told her what she got for Christmas. He also started yelling at her at my Mother's house on Christmas day because she was downstairs helping my soon to be cousin-in-law cook instead of upstairs helping me cook. So then my niece called my husband an asshole (not to his face) and everybody just glared at him for the rest of Christmas. He IS an asshole, but it's really sad when all your family finally sees it and then they look at you all pathetic AND accusatory, wondering why you are still WITH this asshole. My oldest brother even ask his wife "why is she still with him?" Of course the answer is "the kid". The kid doesn't have anybody else, so I just can NOT abandon her. She will be 16 in 9 days and can then do what she wants and so can I. Once again, she didn't hear from her real Mother or get anything for Christmas from her either. Damn bitch. I hope she burns in hell for the way she has treated her child. And I hope my stupid IS/O get wise in 2007 because he will be alone.
Testing the New Waters!
Wow....I can't believe it's been almost two months since I wrote in my Blog. One reason...they changed formats and so did I, then I couldn't get my Blog to post...bummer. But it seems to be fixed now and so I am going to try and post something, just to see. I did make some notes, but guess who found them??? So needless to say, I don't have any notes to put in here. I paid for THAT mistake. Oh, well. I'm still alive.
Trust me, nothing new to report. Everything remains the same. He runs hot and cold on an hour to hour basis. Still drinking, though not as much right now. My Mother broke her hip a little over a week ago and I'm ragged.
Out for now.
Broken Record
I knew it was just the calm before the storm. I saw it coming, but was unable to stop it. He has gotten twice as bad. Now I think there is drugs involved as well as alcohol, although I don't know how I can prove that. The only thing is that I found some pills on the piano the other day. Two small white ones and 1 small blue one. I ask him what they were and he said his Mother was still giving him 'nerve pills' and 'muscle relaxers', plus pain pills when he is complaining of something; but he swears to me that he never takes them. He is turning into his Mother with each passing day...only worse. I got called everything but a brown cow (whore is the one that pissed me off the most) this past weekend. I actually after that one, got dressed and told him he could have the house...just tell me what I was allowed to come back in and get. I was sick of him calling me names based on my life before him. He actually called me that because I lived with my boyfriend in VA for 10 years. Well, he lived with his girlfriend for about 3 years and had a child by her (when she was on 14!!!!!!!!), so tell me who the bad one is in THIS bunch? He punched me...hard....Sunday night, thinking I was asleep. I pretended to BE asleep, because I knew that if I got up, he would be hurt...bad. And I promised myself I would not get violent...no matter how much I want to punch him right smack in the face, I'm not going to do it. I did tell him on Saturday night that I wish he would get his drunk ass in the car and drive off a cliff somewhere. I meant it, too. I was mad. He says he will fight dirty and I know he will...I'm just mentally preparing myself for what I know is going to come. I can hardly wait for the end.
I Knew...
Had a four day weekend and of course, his idiotness had to spoil it by getting drunk. He had been just drinking and actually not being too bad of a pain in the butt. But NO, he made up for lost time this weekend. Thursday I spent shopping with my Mother and Thursday night I watched TV, so he pretty much left me alone. Friday, he worked part of the day and then kept being a pain and wouldn't let me be alone for very long. I'm not sure why...he is just getting more and more paranoid every day and it is driving me crazier than I have been. He thinks that Ashley, my Mom and me are all conspiring against him. Can I make it until Ash turns 16...keep the faith.
Calm Seas...
It's still calm around my house. He started to get a little snippy with the kid last night, but I ignored him and he eventually shut up. But it never got loud or ugly. I'm still walking on eggshells because I'm just waiting for it to all change in the blink of an eye. I just feel it will. I just don't know when.
Calm Before The Storm...
He's been calm. Oh, that's not to say that he's not been drunk!! He has. But he's been calm, which scares me worse than his ranting and raving. He passed out in the floor Friday night while I was gone with Mother. The kid called and told me about it. Then on Saturday he insisted on going to the Mountain Glory Festival with me and Mother; although he had acted like he was drinking all morning and my Mother ask me to PLEASE drive. She later told me he smelled like a brewery and she was afraid for both of us. So I drove. He wanted to go to Asheville to Outback while the kid was working at MGF and I said 'Ok'. I figured 'let him spend some money on me for a change'. It's been a long while. My Mother bought me a ton of shirts and a pair of pants last week because she felt sorry for me. How sad is that. She knows I can't afford clothes for myself and she knows HE won't give me any money to buy clothes, so she bought me about 5 shirts/sweaters and one pair of black pants to go with them all. God bless her. He and I didn't talk about anything of any consequence. He never wants to talk about his drinking and how it affects everyone around him. That just gets brushed off and the subject changed. The thing I am waiting for is the dam to break again. I know it will. He has stayed out of the kids business and, as I said, he's been calm. Just not like him. I know that the underlying current is churning and when it turns it to a hurricane, it won't be pretty. My Mother fears for my life. I am beginning to wonder if she's not right and me wrong. I always said he wouldn't hurt me badly physically....maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is just a prelude to something much darker and more evil. Maybe I'm being too dramatic. I can just hope and pray I'm right and Mother is wrong or things may get very ugly, very soon.
Prisoner....
I've become a prisoner in my own home. I know that when I leave, he will get drunk. It's a given. It always happens. Then the fights begin. And when I try to leave, he gets violent. Case in point. Friday night was an all night argument. I packed and he threatened to burn my house down if I left. He finally passed out and I knew he had to work on Saturday. Ash and I worked around the house Saturday after she got back from her Explorer's meeting at the Police Department. She really worked her butt off. She had put her CD player on the edge of the pool table while she cleaned in there. She listened to a lot of different types of music and I didn't particularly like the Justin Timberlake song she played, I told her about it...said something racial, which I won't repeat here and then went on about my business. I didn't care if she listened to it, I can just tune it out or turn on my own music. Well when El Drunko got home, I had laid out some hamburger to make hamburgers and fries for supper. He said there wasn't enough hamburger and for me to run down to KFC and get us an 8 piece bucket of chicken. I told him I would go to the store and he told me 'no' to go get KFC. He also made a racial remark about the SAME song by Justin Timberlake that I did and I just laughed and said I had said the same thing as I walked out the door. I know I wasn't gone 15 minutes and when I got back he was BITCHING and I do mean BITCHING at Ash about that song. I knew he was drinking, but she and I started eating anyway. He didn't put one thing on his plate (the usual for when he's drinking). When I was almost finished eating and she was finished and he was STILL bitching at her about that song (he didn't want to ever hear it again..blah, blah, blah!!). He still had not put one thing on his plate. I told him I was getting my bag (I already have one packed) and going to Mother's for the night. We had said we were NOT going to do this again or I was leaving. He called Jerry (the dog) to come into the den. I knew what was about to happen, so I started to take the food up. He grabbed it out of my hand and pushed me to the side. I pushed back and he started throwing chicken and biscuits all over the den that Ash had worked so hard to clean. That was it for me. I went and called his Dad (NOT THE COPS) and ask him to PLEASE come and get him that I could not take this anymore. I was a wreck. His Dad ask me what was going on and I told him. He ask if he could speak to his son and I handed him the phone (he was behind me still bitching). Of course, he made it seem like it was ALL my fault. His Dad told him not to drive or walk anywhere in his condition (I could hear him on the phone) and that he would come and get him. Of course, he said 'no' and made it out to see he was the victim. When he got off the phone I told him that this was it, I could not do this anymore and he told me he needed to go take a walk and would I got with him. We walked halfway down to the plant and then he proceeded to tell me how horrible a wife I was. I told him that he needed to find somebody new and he proceeded to tell me that he didn't want somebody else. We talked for approximately 2 hours and then went back to the house. I knew that nothing would change. I stayed Ash's sake, but I knew it would happen again on Sunday, but he didn't drink enough to get into a 'mean' mood. I keep hoping things will change for Ash's sake; not mine. I'm planning on being gone by next year and I know that things like this only stay good for so long and then they fall right back into the same ole pattern. Talking makes no difference. He is going to drink and threaten me and I do not see it changing...ever. So, it's time for him to find someone else and time for me to move on. I just hope I can keep my strength and sanity until that day comes.
Afraid Again....
He pushed...I pushed back...he pushed harder. I picked up the phone to call the police and he twisted my arm and hand and I let go of the phone. He's crazy and bi-polar and threatening more and more each day and I'm becoming more and more afraid for Ash, for me, for my house and I don't know what to do. I tell him what he wants to hear out of fear. Now what do I do?
The Path of Paranoia
Friday night...drunk; Saturday...drunk; Sunday...sober, but Sunday night, drinking and argumentative. Yesterday....drunk when I got home and started in on the kid immediately when I walked through the door, and you want to know over what??? A roll of electrical tape. She had tried to fix her TV that he cut the cord in half and when she plugged it in, it blew an outlet. We spent most of Saturday trying to fix it and get everything in the house to come back on and work right. Then all he could do was bitch at her for the rest of the day. And yesterday all he could do was scream at her and then me. He has become soooo paranoid. I can't even walk out of the room when he drinking or he thinks that the kid and I are in some kind of conspiracy against him and that I'm going in there to make her feel better because her mean ole Daddy yelled at her. Well, yeh, sometimes that's true. But last night I was actually going in to look for something sweet to eat after supper. I have an awful cold and wanted something I could taste. He lightened up after a while; probably because he could get to his booze, but, when I went to sleep he must have gotten trashed. I woke up several times with him talking to me (and I wasn't delusional) about stupid stuff, so I would just roll over and go back to sleep...or try. Trying to wake him up this morning was next to impossible, so I knew he had hit the bottle again after I went to sleep. Plus, I haven't heard from him and that's truly unheard of. He keeps close tabs on me...all the time. And you want to really know what's funny? It looked like he had a 'hickey' on his neck last night. I called his attention to it, but he just shrugged it off. And that's not like him. Usually he would be up and running to the mirror to see what I was talking about. Maybe he's FINALLY got him a girlfriend and will peacefully go away and leave me alone. Yeh, right...like I truly believe that. It's sad that I dread every weekend and every evening going home. I will be so glad when Ash turns 16 and can make her own decisions and he will quit threatening to send her back to Florida. He's such an idiot.
Broken...
It is approaching ANOTHER weekend and I haven't even written about LAST weekend. Why? Because I'm starting to sound like a broken record. Friday night drunk...arguments. Saturday...sober....I'm not sure why, but it made for a nice time to enjoy the race, the last one to see if Jeff makes the Chase or not (which he did - YEAH!). No arguments, no talking. Sunday...I was nice and went to help him do an 'emergency' job for a place in Morganton that had a fire. He was going to get his sisters husband to help him, but naturally, that lazy butt couldn't. Surprise, surprise. Then he was going to do it by himself, but whined that his blood pressure was up and that he felt bad and could the kid and I PLEASE help him. Boo Hoo. I should have known better. I got rewarded with an argumentative drunk for the evening. What fun! And this week has all been the same. I come home from work in the afternoon to a drunk. I cooked one day, he cooked one day and the kid cooked one day and still he bitches, constantly, about something. I hate my life.
Side Note...
I completely forgot that he had passed out in the bathroom floor Monday night....stark raving naked with the toothpaste in his hand (that's why I got to watch the race in peace). I am surprised that when he passes out he doesn't hit his head on something and kill himself, because when he goes, he goes. And I have pictures..... I just have to be more careful about downloading and him finding them this time. I just need for everyone to SEE what I put up with, not just hear.
I'm So Tired...
I am mentally worn out. I am physically worn out. And I think that the dam is about to break. He has been sober for 3 days. I have no idea why or what is going on and I'm not about to ask. After I came home from my vacation weekend to a drunken bastard, trying to make me feel guilty for leaving in the first place, I just wonder what he is up to. I don't trust him anymore (if I ever really did). I had such an incredible weekend with Janelle. We just sat around and talked ourselves silly....didn't even watch any TV. We drank coffee, played with her cats, shopped a little and just relaxed. It was heaven being there without the hub. I could actually truly relax; not just pretend that I was relaxed and having a great time. I do always have a great time when I go to her house, but it was just wonderful without him. I was actually shocked that he didn't show up. I figured he would, but thank god for small favors.
We finally got to go back to a concert together. It has been a while. Of course it was my beloved Queensryche. I don't even know how many times this makes for me to see them. It was an overall great concert, although I was not impressed with their new guitar player and I missed Chris being there. It was cool to see them act out the whole Operation: Mindcrime I & II and in a smaller venue than I'm use to seeing them in. Geoff has lost some of his vocal prowess, but mostly just the high stuff; although he NAILED "Walk in the Shadows" as one of their encores. That blew me and Janelle both away. You just can't beat this show for the money and time and effort that was put into it. So, anyway...I had a great time. But then I knew that coming home would be bad; and it started with me getting a speeding ticket in Chesnee. I was so close to home and thought I was doing good, but apparently I had run into a 45 mph zone and thought I was still in a 55 mph zone, so POP goes the speeding ticket. Then I came home to el drunko who bitched at me for a while and finally passed out. I puttered around the house for a little bit and then watched the race on tape. Stupid Kasey Kahne. But Jeff did good, so I won't fuss much. And since then, he's been sober....so I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop...I know it will.
Ugly Weekend!
Where do I begin? I feel so sorry for my 'friends' that have to listen to me gripe about how horrible every weekend is for me. I know they worry, but they can't help me...only
I can help me. He got drunk early Friday night and passed out. I read my e-mail, watched some TV and was finally went to bed and started watching VH-1 with Dream Theater. (Just as a side note, I was quite shocked to see them on there, so my curiousity got the best of me.) Anyway, he woke up. He couldn't find his keys and started ranting and raving thinking that me or the kid had hid his keys from him. Why? If he wants to get out and drive again while drunk he can.....I'm not stopping him if he's that stupid! But he started in on me and then woke the kid up and told us that NOBODY was going to sleep until his keys were found. He also told me that if he had to have duplicate keys made that he would use our 'grocery money' (like there has been much of THAT lately...the cuppards and the freezer are almost bare!!!) and we (meaning the kid and me) could starve. He kept us up most of the night. There was no getting any sleep with him telling us how horrible we were for not wanting to run out into the night and find his keys that he lost while he was drunk!!! We are sooooo horrible
. Finally after a few hours of sleep, it became daylight and he had us up and going again. I finally ask where the flashlight was because I was going to cover all the bases again. Before he could bring it to me, I squeezed in between the dresser and the entertainment center in the bedroom and looked behind the entertainment center. I saw something shiny hanging on the cords back there, but couldn't tell what it was. I got down on my knees and felt back there and GUESS WHAT??? His stupid keys. Oh, he thanked me and thanked me, after putting me through immortal hell all night and morning. So then I took the kid to a meeting she had a the police station for her 'Explorers' group and when I got back, he was washing the outside of the camper. I worked myself silly cleaning out the inside and then he hooked it up and I followed him down to Springs Creek to put it up on consignment. I left him down there with it because it was time for me to go and get the kid from her meeting. I took her back home to change and get ready to go cut grass up at my Moms and her neighbors. I visited with my Mom for a little bit and when I got back home, guess who has already started drinking??? He wasn't too bad until I went back up a couple of hours later to pick up the kid from mowing. When I got home he was trashed and holding onto the railing in the closet trying to hold himself up. I knew he was so drunk he would eventually fall, which he did and landed with his head on his tennis shoes. I as disgusted and just left him there. The kid came in and ask me what that noise was (her Daddy falling in the floor) and I told her not to worry about it. She saw though and knew. She's not stupid anymore. She and I ate supper and then I got ready to watch the Bristol night race. She didn't want to watch the race and ask me if she could watch her TV while she ate. I told her sure, to find some batteries for her remote and then to eat, get her stuff done and go to bed (she was grounded). Well, right in the middle of the race, el drunko came in and told me he was going to bed. I told him I already thought he had gone to bed and that I was watching the race. He informed me that I could watch the race in the bedroom if I wanted to now that he was up. So I decided that was fine....what a mistake. The minute I got in there he started on me. Everything from HIS DUI, to our finances, to putting the camper up, to having a 'horrible' child, to his ex, Kim, the kids mother and then WHAMO...he told me that I was old and nobody else would every want me. That he was the best I could ever do and that if something happened to him and my Mother that I would fall flat on my face. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe he would stoop so low as to say that to me. He always told him how Kim would tell him things like that and tell him he couldn't 'screw' her right and how little and horrible it made him feel. Well, guess what Mr.?? Do you think it makes me feel any better?? He started bringing up my past....like that makes any difference when it comes to him. But, in his mind, it does. We had been yelling back and forth for a while (from the bedroom) and he got up to get something to drink, I guess. The kid had her TV on (although she was suppose to have been asleep 2 hours earlier) and she cut it off real quick when she heard him. He went BOLLISTIC when he found out she was watching her TV. Of course, it was my fault (which was true because I gave her back her remote); but she should have known better than to turn it on when she knows that her Daddy would be upset. She started yelling for me and I ran in the bedroom. He had cut the power cord on her TV in half. Then he cut the cable cord coming INTO her bedroom and tried to break her remote in two. That just made me furious and I bit him trying to get him to drop the remote because I pay the satellite bill...not him. Then I finally pushed him out of her room and got him back into the bedroom to continue fighting with me, but it had then changed over to the kid and how horrid SHE is and how she never minds and blah, blah, blah. But, as if par for the course, it turned back to me eventually and he threatened to call my Mother drunk. I tried to grab the phone out of his hand and he went running outside with it. I grabbed his t-shirt and he kept pulling until it ripped off of him. He finally stopped and did not call her. I don't even remember why.
On Sunday we had a family conference with Ash. I tried to have her tell her Daddy how she felt while he was sober and I told him how I felt. It did not good. After the conversation the kid and I went and got some lunch and he was drunk when we got back. He finally passed out that afternoon and I ended up watching TV and then 'Silent Hill' by myself. I even missed the Emmy awards. I had forgotten all about them. So, another horrible weekend...but next weekend, I won't even be here and I thanked every good thing on this earth for that, although I know I will pay for it eventually.
Another Weekend From Hell!
Ok...get this...his 'new leaf' that he supposedly has turned over does not involve quitting drinking, it only involves drinking less and not driving while drunk. WOW!!! I wish I could set my goals so high. He drank and argued and threatened and passed out and slept and whined and whined about his foot and his hand (that he hurt falling down the steps while DRUNK!!!). He gave me ultimatums about the house, and told me that he had a friend who said he could take me for everything I'm worth. Well, except for my house and what I've got in it, I guess I just must not be worth much. He's so materialistic...always has been. My mother has bought me more clothes and shoes since I've been married to him than he has bought me or offered to buy me. He thinks a small gift here and there should be enough. He thinks giving me $20 here and there or buying my gas once in a while or giving me the money back that I spent at the grocery store constitutes him being a wonderful husband. ***rolls eyes***. I KNOW the role models he had in his parents, so, I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more. He also has let me move money around from my credit cards to his, but I'M PAYING FOR THEM - NOT HIM!!!!!! I could just leave them to him to pay for. I should. But my dear sweet Mother told me to hang on just 5 more months until the kid is 16 and then it's all out war. Although he want a legal separation before I go to Myrtle Beach to see my best friend. Do you want to know why??? So he can screw around on me that weekend if he feels like it and I can't get him for infidelity!!! Is that not a riot??? I guess if that's all you've got on your mind, then in HIS mind that makes perfect sense!! Plus, he want me to put his name on the house. Not in a million years. If he thinks he can drink and threaten me..he's got another think coming.
Liars!
Oh he so lied. He promised that he would never drink again....that his drunk driving charge had taught him a lesson. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I knew better, but for the kids sake I was hoping different. Night before last he got to the arguing point, but not to the slurring the words point. Last night he just got to the passout point. I rent movies he never sees. Although he and the kid are getting along better, it's happened before and I know it won't last. I'm usually the optomistic one, but I know this situation all too well. It's sad that it has come to this. I feel sorry for the kid more than me. She needs her Dad and he's not a good Dad at all. And of course, Mom is no where to be found. Sad.
Are Calm Days Ever Around the Bend?
Now here's a twist!! The hub stayed sober (or semi-sober) most of the weekend - BUT - the kid got caught making out (not having sex, just foreplay) at 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning, at the new business down the road from us, with an 18 year old. The police caught them and brought her home. She came in the bedroom and said 'I need you' and when my eyes opened, all I could see was blue lights flashing in my house. I FREAKED and when I freaked it woke the hub up and he jumped up and he FREAKED!!! Just when I thought that I might have a normal weekend, the kid blows it. I'm surprised that I got to watch the race on Sunday because I never got back to sleep after that. It was talking to cops and trying to keep the hub from going and beating the crap out of this kid. They were going to charge her and him with B&E, but they didn't (thank goodness - that would have been ALL we needed with everything else that's been going on). Things calmed down a little on Sunday night...but, naturally, that didn't last long. Monday night he got drunk and told me I was old and nobody else would want me. I told him I wanted to punch him right straight in the face and bloody his nose. I could not believe he put me down like that. I think he's mad because I'm going away for the Labor Day weekend to spend with Janelle. Tough. I have never gotten to go to see my friends by myself...ever...and I plan on doing this come hell or high water. After 14 years of being treated this way...it's my turn. Then he turned around and told me that I'm really beautiful and he's just jealous. Sorry, didn't work. He also told me he had checked into what separation would involve...can we say BI-FREAKING POLAR?????? He goes back and forth....good/bad/nice/ugly/mean/hateful. The only time he becomes apologetic is when he sobers up. I dare not start a huge fight with him when he's drunk. I know better. He's too mean. But, today, he is just trying to be soooo nice. Makes me want to puke. I've just got to go....light a candle for me, k?
JEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZ
After everything last night and today, he has the AUDACITY to call me when I get back to work after lunch DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!! He was freaking DRUNK!!!! I am so livid and so ticked right now. I just hung up on him. He's acting like everything is suppose to be just fine and dandy and I'm suppose to accept him the way he is. No way, no how, not never. If I could think of someone to come and get him, who actually WOULD, I would call them and have them just take him away from there. I'm just totally ticked!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Alcohol is NOT the Cure!
I see the end coming closer and closer and I may not have to do a damn thing. He is digging his own grave minute by minute, second by second. He got drunk last night (like that's new) and started a fight (like that's new) over me disagreeing with him about taking Jerry Lee (the dog) to the Vet. It was totally STUPID (like that's new) and it ended with him throwing the remote and hitting me in the head. No, I'm not wounded, but I was P.O.'ed. And what did he proceed to do after that!!!???? Get drunker. He told me to set the alarm and get him up at 6:10 this morning. When the alarm went off, I TRIED and TRIED to wake him up. After many attempts, I finally got him up around 6:30, but he was talking jibberish again, so I knew he was still tanked and I figured he had probably been up drinking most of the night. I sleep, I don't care. He had a job this morning and finally headed out at about 6:45. He called and started an argument with me from the road. Same crap we had been over and over the night before. And right in the middle of talking he told me that he got 'pulled' (blue lights). I said 'ok' (figuring he was looking for sympathy) and hung up. He called back as I was on my way to work and told me he was being arrested for DUI. I told him he was lying, but then I heard the police radio in the background. They were hauling his butt in. He told me his Mom and Dad were going to go pick up his truck and trailer, and I ask him is he could bail himself out. He said he could, so I told him to call me back and let me know how long he would be in jail and if I needed to go pick up his truck and trailer. I truly have no feelings except disgust right now. And of course he has called and tried to blame it all on me. I told him that it was NOT my fault; he needed to own up to what he was doing to his life and that life as he knew it was going to be way different. He was upset because I was mad. Well, DUH!!! What the heck did he expect?? I'm mad as hell. And then he called and told me that they had released him, taken his license for 30 days and that he was going to drive, no matter what. Let him. He'll do something else stupid and get in trouble, but hopefully by that time I will be on the way OUT. I just can not take this any more. I think I have been MORE than patient and more than supportive....but I can not do this. I can not live like this. And yes, he realizes now that the pictures don't matter anymore. I have solid concrete proof he's a drunk. No, I don't call the police to the house all the time. I just don't want to go through that crap either. But he knows that he is on breaking ice and that it's not going to freeze again. As much as I hate to say it...I'm starting to truly dispise him. I know that is horrible to say, but when I look at him, it makes me mad that I could be so stupid. I'm curious to see how this one will play out.
Try As I May
ry as I may....my thoughts are just so jumbled these days. Friday (the 28th) was bad...real bad. We fought ALL day. One reason?? He got plastered on Thursday night and fell down the steps...from top to bottom. Hurt his hand (it started swelling and looked broke); got pretty scraped up and wouldn't let me take him to the emergency room (probably because he was so drunk). He tried to say he was trying to do something good by coming down the steps to empty the dehumidifier. Well, if you call standing at the top of the steps yelling at me, while I'm putting in a load of clothes, "something good", then I've lost the definition of "good". Plus, it seems that I no longer have any pictures of him drunk to prove anything, he deleted them from my camera. Why you ask? The kid decided to tell his parents about them, who promptly told HIM about them and then it was WWIII. He kept saying he couldn't BELIEVE I had done such a thing. Oh, please. What did he expect? I told him and told him that if he keeps drinking and getting so freaking drunk that he's mean to me and the kid and then passes out in the floor, I'm gone. But he thinks there is a big conspiracy against him. There is no conspiracy, just cold, hard facts that I keep telling him and he doesn't want to admit. So now he's taking pictures of the house, like I'm worried about that! He doesn't take pictures AFTER I've cleaned...just before, so I look bad. I don't care. I know I'm a good housekeeper (with the exception of my office...it's a mess and has been for a couple of months) and I also know that I cook (but he thinks HE does all the cooking - hardee har har!!). The reason I don't cook more is because they never seem to like what I cook. Oh, yeah, once in a blue moon; but the rest of the time, it's "we're gonna have that"? My Mother told me to just cook it, put it on the table and if they don't want to eat it, then FINE, fix them something else or starve. He's got his parents so snowed about how 'wonderful' he is. I could just DIE laughing over that one. I keep telling him, money does not buy love. But he thinks that you can be mean, hateful and drunk and then buy me something and I'm suppose to forgive all. Well, with some women that may work. It doesn't with me.
Plus he is pitting his Mom and Dad against the kid. Poor kid. Yes, she has had her problems with not telling the truth, but so has his Mom. I remember one of the first things he told me when we met..."never believe a thing my Mother tells you, she's a cronic liar". So I stick up for the kid and I get told I'm a bad Mother by the hubs father. Yeh, he's sticking up for his son and I'm sticking up for THE KID. Who else is going to. Seems that her Mother and Father certainly aren't. So, if that makes me a bad Mother, so be it. I'm horrible.
And, he got stinking drunk on Friday night; came in and woke me up about 2 in the morning. Seems he had run into one of the stereo speakers while being plastered and knocked the speaker, the receiver, the DVD player and my DVD recorder in the floor. I'm surprised any of it survived. And there was food strewn all over the floor. He had told me when I went to bed that he was going to eat something (he never eats when he drunks) and take some medicine to help his poor aching hand - waaaaa!!! And he ends up getting drunk to kill the pain and making a wreck out of the den. When the kid came in and tried to help me pick everything up and clean up, he pushed me in the floor and then grabbed the receiver and slammed it down on my arm. He had that crazy look in his eyes, so I knew not to retaliate except to tell him to "stop" and let me and the kid clean up. And he wonders why I'm so "cold" all the time. DUH???
Saturday, he had to work at his Dad's, so I stayed home and cleaned house, did laundry and then when he got home, I went and helped him with one of his cleaning jobs. I'm a really horrible wife, aren't I? The way he treats me, most women would tell him to stick it, but I'm trying to keep the peace for the kids sake. It is so hard. She and I did find one bottle of his booze, and yes, I told him I had it. I also called the clinic and got them to call him in some pain pills because he was whining that the Advil wasn't working. I'm not sure how many he has taken. I don't think it's many. He did stay sober Saturday night and Sunday. But he also slept most of the time. The kid and I watched 'Final Destination 3' on Sunday and he got mad. We'd had the movie since Tuesday and never got to watch it because he stayed drunk and fighting every night. And he apparently went and bought him some more booze because he got stupid blithering drunk again last night and came and picked fights with me and the kids during Fear Factor and then it continued to Last Comic Standing and I finally got him to shut up and let me watch about the last 45 minutes of Rescue Me. But just when I thought it was over and I could go to sleep, he comes back in my bedroom, turns the light on and starts arguing again. I don't even remember how it ended. I just wanted him to shut up and go to sleep. I'm so sick of it. And of course, it had to continue through to this morning, so maybe, just maybe, he'll find him another place to live today. One can always hope, but, from his pattern, it will surprise me. His parents will see to that!
More of the Same
Last weekend was another nightmare of a drunk fest and then he accuses me of everything and tells me how HORRIBLE a person I am; that I never do anything around the house (BS); never cook (not as much because I'm sick of everyone bitching about WHAT I cook); and that I stay on the computer all the time. That's a bold face lie, too. Yes, I check my e-mail almost...and notice I say ALMOST every evening...but NOT every evening; and because I'm on dial-up, my 'PSP creating groups' stats take a very long time to download. It would be much shorter and faster if I was on DSL...but I can't get DSL where I live, so it's a mute point. My life has become one of being told (by a drunken idiot) how horrible me and the kid are and how wonderful he is. If he starts to blame himself for anything, it ALWAYS gets turned back around and eventually becomes my fault. I think that is just the way of alcoholics, but I'm getting sick of it. And the poor kid...I'm surprised she hasn't run away or committed suicide. I'm not kidding. Yes, I think she is an instigator of many of the fights and I think she has a big mouth that she can't keep shut a lot of the time. I know that in the heat of the moment I say things about her Dad in front of her that I shouldn't. But I do try to apologize; even though I always get mad and do the same thing again eventually. I feel sorry for her, but I feel sorry for me, too. Nobody sees the side of the hub that we see. Not even his parents. They don't truly know what goes on...they just hear his side, which, of course, makes the kid and I look like the bad guys. And sometimes we are, but not the way he makes it sound. Everything was fine when I got home yesterday. The kid and I went out to get some supper and when we came back he was plastered and started bitching which didn't end until midnight. You know what it was over??? I was madder than hell at him one night and took pictures of him when he was trashed and passed out. It was disgusting (I think I made note of it in a previous post). The kid of course saw me take the pictures and promptly told his parents about it. Well they have told the hub that I am going to use the pictures to get alimony from him - HUH??? Where the hell did that come from?? I took them to embarrass him and show him what he's like when he gets that way in an effort to get him to quit drinking. But NOOOOOO....now the kid is a bad guy for saying anything (which I was pretty ticked at her about, too) and I was a bad guy for taking them and not telling him I took them - jeez louise - like I'm going to play my hand until I'm ready....but tonight will definitely be another fight fest....I can guarantee it... I'll be back with more tomorow... *bugger*
Blocked But Not For Long
This past weekend was a nightmare. He started on me on Friday night and continued through Sunday night. Why do I put up with this, you ask? Because he's crazy when he's drinking. You don't see the look in his eyes that I know means "watch out". But for the first time, I was so mad and fed up that I actually put my clothes on and was going to walk out the door. He blocked me. Whatever door I went to he stood in front of it and wouldn't let me through. I tried to move him, but unless he is past the point of no return, he's strong and I can't move him. I wanted to punch him right square in the face, but he's already threatened to call the cops ON ME!!! Because of some stupid reason that I can't even remember right now. I think I was standing between him and the kid, trying to protect her and he said I was in his way and he wanted me out of his way. I wasn't moving. He better never hurt her or I'll multilate him. I may not kill him, but I'll make sure he is hurt and hurt bad and I'm sure I will be the one doing it. The kid already wants to leave when she's 16. She just can't deal with a mother who abandoned her and a father who is a verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive drunk. I'm so glad I didn't grow up that way. I'll get out of this, I will...someway, somehow. I'm still just afraid for my house...there is no telling what he will do to it. But I'll cross that legal bridge when I come to it....if he lets me live through it. With him, I can never tell.
I Need Something New!
Drunk, argue, drunk, argue. That is all that goes on at my house in the evenings. He gets drunk and argues...sometimes BEFORE I get home, sometimes after. Thank goodness I had to go with Mother somewhere last night, so by the time I got home, he was on the verge of pass out kingdom...which he did and I quickly ran to the sanction of my computer room. That is my haven and I feel I can't spend any time in there because he always bothers me. And can you believe that he ask me the other night if he could have an affair, since I won't have sex with him??? I told him to "go for it, do what makes you happy". He then proceeded to ask me how I would feel about it. I told him that we would cross that bridge when we came to it. He kept asking me if I would be ok with it. What the frick does he want me to say..."yeah, sure, just leave me alone and send money". Sure, I want to say that, but I want to be DIVORCED from the asshole first. I still can't believe the nerve of him, but then looking at his family...yeh, I can. He then proceeds to tell me that I won't know anything about it. And I proceed to tell him that is probably true, because I'm pretty clueless when that happens in my life. It's not that I feel I'm stupid, I'm just too laid back and trusting of people. And I guess that's why they feel that they can stomp all over me and get away with things. I actually do WANT him to have an affair, I really do. I think I will know and then WHAMO, separation papers here I come. YIPEE!!!! I'm so sick of dreading to go home in the evenings. I've been this way for so long and he also told me that he wasn't going to quit drinking....it's HIS outlet. Well since he has nothing else in his life, I can understand why. No friends, no outside interest or activities....I thought it would be different...how wrong can one person be? Pretty wrong. Well, the 'wicked' weekend is coming up and I'm dreading it like the plague. The kids boyfriend is suppose to come over Sunday and I'm wondering if it will be a repeat of the last time he came over. Oh, deal lord, thank you for NASCAR. More at the beginning of the week. I need to spend my weekends cleaning and creating in PSP again. I've got to do something before I go completely nuts. Oh, sorry...I guess I'm already there.
SSDD!
I told the idiot (my insignificant other) that he could go get a separation today, I was sick of his crap! Yeah, like that will ever happen....he will never leave. We had another night last week (Thursday, I believe - I have pictures, so I'm not so worried about the date). He got completely snockered again...couldn't walk...couldn't talk and finally passed out in the living room in front of the piano. I went back to working on my computer and I heard a gurgling noise. When I went in to take a look at the passed out idiot, he was lying face down in his own vomit. I could not wake him, I could not move him. I had to get the kid to help me drag him into the bathroom and then I cleaned up the floor. He never stirred. But he threw up again and was just wallowing in it. I let him. As long as he wasn't drowning in it, I just didn't care. After a couple of hours he finally stirred. He got up, fell a couple more times and then walked in the bedroom, half naked and looked at me all stupid and I promptly told him to go get in the shower and clean himself up and go to bed. He did, but not until he fell a couple more time. My mother is afraid that if I leave him, he'll hurt me, possibly more. I may be way off base, but I don't think so. He's mean spirited, but I think he would be afraid to go that far. I guess if I end up dead, we'll know who was right. As Jack Sparrow says..."buggers"!
Behind Again..
Oh, where to I start! I am so behind again. I really need to start with Tuesday, May 30th... The hub got so drunk that night that he was arguing with me (if you can call his babbling when he's that wasted arguing)...then he wanted to be stubborn when I tried to get him to sit down; started hanging on to the counter in the dining room and so I just walked off and left him. It wasn't long before I heard this loud THUD. I walked back in the take some clothes downstairs to wash and GUESS WHAT??? He had passed out in the floor. I went into my bedroom and started watching TV and the kid came in told me that her Daddy had pee'ed on himself. I really couldn't believe he had gotten that bad, but, sure enough...when I walked back into the dining room, he was still lying in the floor in a puddle of his own pee. I tried to get him up, so I could clean up, but there was no budging him. So I got the mop and mopped around him. It was embarrassing. As much for me as I'm sure it was for Ash, having to see her father that way. And he proceeded to get drunk (but not quite THAT drunk) every night after that and then on the NEXT Tuesday...June 6, he got just as snockered as he had gotten the previous Tuesday (I don't know what it is about Tuesdays), but this time he passed out in his bed and luckily didn't wet himself this time. I can not believe I even married someone like that. I never would have thought it would be like this, but what a lesson I have learned. Ok...I'm sure there are more things that happened...besides him ALWAYS saying the horrible stuff that he does to me when he is like that. And if I think of it, I shall return.... More later, I'm sure.
Nightmares Awake!
Saturday, the 27th was a pure nightmare. The hub had told the kid she could ask her boyfriend to come over and spend the day with her and we would have a cookout. Then he could come back the next day and watch the race with us, if he was allowed. Well, I drove up to Linville Falls to pick him up with my Mom and the kid. The hub wanted to stay at home and work on the grill and that was fine...so I thought. When we got back with her boyfriend, thinking we might have a really nice day AND time, the freaking idiot was drunk. And not just tipsy...drunk!! I was so mad I could have spit nails. And he got really UGLY with the kids boyfriend (I'm surprised they are still together) and I had to apologize to a 16 year old for my husbands behavior. How pathetic is THAT?? He was sweet and gracious and said he was use to dealing with alcoholics and drug addicts, as he had a few in his family, too. So needless to say, we actually got through the evening, but not without me wanting to punch the idiot hub right smack in the middle of the face and wish he would drop dead...seriously, it's gotten to the point that I wish him dead most of the time. I know that's horrible, I KNOW it is, but walk in my shoes for a few days and then tell me if I'm wrong. The boyfriend didn't come back for the race the next day...he had a 'death' in the family and had to go home. And it was probably for the best and I really don't blame him. I wonder if he will ever come back? I don't think I would!
That Old Feeling...
Call it the tearing away of my stamina....but I'm getting that old horrible feeling again that I'm not as special to that one person in my life that means the most to me. I'm having an inner battle and struggle. I know it will kill me to lose him, but I feel I am, possibly back to the clutches of an old love or two. I feel like a means to an end, but nothing really special except possibly a sounding board; a great friend, but no more. Maybe it's another serious bout of depression that I'm going through, but I hate feeling like this. Maybe I just need happy pills that will just make me shutup and be stupid again. Who the frick knows!! Certainly not me these days. I may also be depressed (and on the verge of tears at every turn) because I was FINALLY suppose to go to meet my sweetheart this week, but because of my new job, that fell through the cracks once again. Almost 4 YEARS and we just can't seem to get it together. I know that probably depressing me the most.Then too....I took time out of my weekend to help the idiot that I'm married to and what do I get in return. A drunk who got that CRAZY insane look in his eyes when I told him that my Mom had called and I was going up her house to help her find her cat. He even slammed the door on my arm with that insane look on his face. I was glad to get out of there. I've come to the conclusion he's nuts and I don't know what to do or where to turn. I want to leave, but I know it would be disastorous to my home if I did. I might not even have one left....yes, he's that looney. He would destroy everything he possible could...I know that about him. If you could see the 'fixed' places in my house from where he's thrown something or punched something, you would understand. I'm just so lost.The kid cleaned up my car for me for Mother's day. I just had not had the time lately to do it and when I ask her if she would, she said that could be my present. Fine with me...it was in dire need.Last night I also had to endure the drunk during the finale of 'Survivor'. I finally went to my bedroom to watch the rest of it because he started arguing with the kid and when I told him to 'shut up' he got mad and I was afraid I was going to see that crazy look again...so I departed. Finally got to enjoy something and I got to open my windows and sleep while it stormed and was nice and cool. Thank god for small favors....
LOST...
I guess that I am actually referring to the show and my current mood. That is the way I feel...lost. I am so sick and tired of every night at my house being a 'fuss fest' and my stupid hub being drunk. Thankfully, he passed out before LOST came on, so I got to watch it in complete comfort... But why should I have to put up with this day after day, night after night. I can see the wear and tear on my face and feel it in my bones. I know it is just pure depression, but right now, I can not get medicine for it because my stupid new job won't send me my prescription card. When they do...life will be lived on a much rosier high...and I don't even care. If I don't get something soon, I'm going to end up punching the idiot right smack dab in the face...and I don't even care. It seems like he would get the hint, but he's clueless to everything. He thinks this is just the way a marriage is suppose to be...IDIOT, I tell you. What was I thinking???
Typical...
Drunk...mean....talked through all my shows - what's new....The only highlight of my day....MB....made me smile...always does....
Tired...Bored...
Last night was one of the fews night that the hub was not trashed - drinking...but not trashed. My brother on the other hand was a different story. I just can't get away from drunks, it seems. But for some reason, I was tired...didn't feel very good and just wanted to go to sleep early. I tried, but I failed. I ended up staying up until 11 and watching Boston Legal...stupid funny show. Great cast, though. I also stayed up because my Mother called from the courthouse, where she was awaiting the results of the primary election and wanted to let me know I might have to come and get her (she can't drive after dark). My 1st cousin was in the running for the Democrat slot for Sheriff on the November ballot. He got it and my sweet lil' Mother was thrilled. My drunk brother on the other hand was not. He and my cousin use to be best of friends and went everywhere together, but since my cousins divorce a number of years ago, my brother and him have not gotten along. They have had words and my brother has pretty much washed his hands of him. C'est La Vie... I just wish I knew why I am starting to feel so crappy these days. I don't like it; but I am wondering if it's not just full blown depression. I think it is and I think I may start taking something for it again, because I don't like me when I'm like this and I really don't want to be someone who just rolls up in a ball and does nothing and talks to no-one. But I know I go inward and become very aloof when I get like this. I'm just hoping it will blow over soon....
It Can Be Anything Anymore!
My toenail hurts! You think that is funny? Well, that is the excuse that the hub can make for drinking these days. It makes no difference. Another great fight ensued on Friday night. I was just happy that on Saturday I was getting my butt out of bed and going to the Drag Races in Bristol. That was truly fun, although I missed the big wreck on Friday night (but my brother saw it) and then missed the big Tony Stewart wreck at Talledega on Saturday...but I still laughed. Yup that was mean, but I can not stand him. And then the hub was drunk on Saturday night, but when he started his usual arguing, I just told him to shut the hell up, which thankfully, he did. I don't really understand why he listened to me now, but he did. But then he started babbling about all sorts of stupid stuff, right when I was trying to go to sleep (I was tired from the day in Bristol, duh??) and got mad at me because I kept going to sleep. Like I care! Then on Sunday he crashed right after lunch and stayed asleep until early evening. Then he got up, got drunk and started babbling again. He finally passed out AGAIN during Desperate Housewives, which was a blessing, so I could watch it in peace. Today I'm taping the race, so hopefully he will shut up tonight and leave me alone while I watch that. My head hurts and I had chest pain in the night last night...hmmm, I wonder why??
What's Happening to Me??
OF COURSE he was drunk last night. I had to leave to go help Mother for a little while and when I came back he started in on the kid. She told me (in front of her dad) that they had gotten along fine while I was gone. That seems to be his pattern. I don't know what provokes him when I get home to do this or be this way, but it is once again getting out of hand. He pushed the kid and I came running, stood in between them and then yanked him away - punched him in the arms and chest a LOT and then tried to get him out of her room and to leave her alone. I called him a LOT of ugly names and told him that his drinking was killing everything. When he gets like this he doesn't care who he hurts or what he says. Like I said, I'm immune - it doesn't phase me anymore; but for Ash it's different - that is her Dad. I finally, after about an hour, got him calmed down and he let the kid go to bed and I went to bed, too. I'm tired...so tired..of all of it. And, as usual - he acted like nothing had ever happened when I got ready to leave this morning. I just want it to be over.
Should Have Known!
I should have known that I could not have one night of peace in my household. I tried to do something good by taking the kid and going and cleaning one of Mother's meeting rooms, because she is certainly in no shape to do it. Got home around 8 p.m. with supper to a drunk who gave all his supper to the dog. Actually Jerry (the dog) deserves it more than my hub (the jerk), but it still made me ill. And then he proceeding to start in on the kid again about EVERYTHING. And then when I start trying to step in and help the kid out, he starts in on me...which is fine, I can handle that. But I just get so sick of him switching gears every other sentence. Everything he says is a mish mosh mumbo jumbo of a thousand nothings that he wants to bitch about and non of them in sequence and none of them make sense. So I just finally got the kid to bed (with him leaving her alone) and then I watched a little TV while he sat there and babbled. I just quit paying attention to him after a while. It does no good to argue with him when he's drunk. He's always right and you (as in me and the kid) are stupid pieces of trash that can't do anything right. I should tape him one night and see if he would listen to it. I'm sure he wouldn't. He would just get ticked off and then have ANOTHER excuse to drink more. Like he needs any. He is just like is Mother. His toenail can hurt and that's an excuse to drink. There was a fly on the counter and that's an excuse to drink. It's so disgusting...and he's just become so disgusting. And then, of course...as usual...when the morning rolls around...everything is fine. He hasn't said anything or done anything or hurt anybody's feelings or said anything ugly to make anybody in the house hate him....he's a saint - NOT! I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I keep hoping, for the kids sake, that he would change. I don't care anymore. But he is her father and she will have to deal with him the rest of her life...unless she just leaves at 18 and never talks to him again. Right now, you would believe that was going to happen. But I know she loves her Daddy...although I'm not sure why considering the way he treats her. But I guess when you are abandoned by your mother and your father at least sometimes acts like he gives a crap...you grasp at straws. How sad.
Wow...A Month!
I can't believe it's been a month since I written in here. I should know better...too many things happen in my life that need accurate recording for me to wait this long. Let's see...oh, yeah...I have a new job. It's ok...I think I'll get use to it now that they are starting to leave me alone on some days. I sort of miss my job at the Inn...the peace and quiet and being able to putter around on the 'net all night. It will spoil you.My idiotic hub is still drinking. One night he got drunk and started with that hateful mouth of his putting me down again and I smacked him...hard...3 times. Then he tried to GRAB the remote out of my hand...very hatefully and I smacked him with that, too!!! I am getting to the point where I can not stand to be around him at all. He's making me hate him and I never wanted it to end with hate. That's an emotion that will rip up your nerves. I just wish all this stuff with Ash would be over, so I could figure out where I want to go with my life. He is making me also hate everybody and everything (mostly him) and I so want to enjoy life again and have friends that I can hang around with and I don't want to worry when I want to go somewhere with my Mother that I'm going to come home to a hateful drunk. It's truly horrible.Ok...will try to do better about keeping this thing up when things happen. Just as a side note, yeah...he got drunk last night, but thankfully, I went to sleep and didn't have to deal with him. Thank God for small favors.Until....(which will probably be tomorrow)
A Smile Like No Other!
Ahhhh....the darlin' that is MiLkey. He brings so much to my world and brings out some much in me...both good and bad...but the bad is also good, if that makes sense. He is my whole world, my greatest smile....but I feel that right now, he is so far out of my reach...I've got to rectify that someway...somehow. It's too great an emotion with him to ignore or ever go away.And the hub is still being somewhat nice...although we did have a big fight the other night and I told him I was sick and tired of feeling bad about myself every single solitary day of my life because he was the be all and end all of everything in our marriage. To hear him tell it I'm a lazy, worthless piece of crap. Thank goodness the kid and my friends and family know better. It's just his way of building up his own self-esteem, but at my expense. I guess that I am a strong enough person to take it...but I'm just not sure for how much longer that will be. Even the strongest piece of steel gets weak over time and I'm starting to see stress cracks.Light a candle for me that I make it in this new job. I'm so afraid that I have made a terrible mistake. I hope I get proven wrong.
Affair??
He's got to be having an affair! He is just being way too nice to me. I think he's possessed. Actually I don't know what to think!! And it's creeping me out. Most people would be thrilled and overjoyed...but not me. I'm suspicious. He has done or is doing something wrong. He wouldn't be this nice...it's just not like him.I miss my sweetie... After tonight...two more nights on this job. I have mixed feelings. But as long as MB is ok with it, then I'm ok with it. That's all that matters.
Could It Get Any Crazier??
He shot the freakin' bed!!!!!!!!!!!! I came home this morning (10/15) and wondered what the hole was in my blanket (an old blanket) and then in an old comforter. When I ask him about it...he lied. Said that maybe it got burnt in the dryer. Then when he showed me that he had gone out and bought me a chair for my office and was cooking supper, I KNEW something was very, very wrong. So I pressed and finally he told me that he thought he heard something last night, went to the camper and got his gun and then it discharged in the bed. I freaked. He could have killed me (if I had been home...thank goodness I wasn't); himself (stupid freakin' IDIOT!!); or one of my beloved furry children, who always sleep on my bed. I was quiet and livid and upset the rest of the evening until time for me to come in. He kept asking me..."what's wrong?"...as if he didn't KNOW!!!!!!!!!!! And he's trying that 'buy my love' thing again. Hasn't he figured out that THAT doesn't work??? Apparently not. I need a good mind, body and spirit cleansing. Maybe I'll take up meditation or yoga. I need something because obviously what I'm doing now is NOT working. Help....
Another New Job...
If I'm approved by the corporate headquarters in Cincinnati, I will have another new job by the 20th of this month. Am I looking forward to it?? No. Why? I never wanted to go into a front office job again. I hated my one with the state and I'm much better at being a loner than I am with the public. Plus, it won't afford me any time to be on the 'net or talk to my bestest friend (and you know who you are!!) except possibly on my lunch hours. But, my Mom seems to really want me to do this. She worries about me driving to this job so late at night and yes, the roads are pretty horrid...but I'm starting to get the hang of driving these S turns again. I use to be good at it years ago...but moved to places with straight roads and got out of the habit of hanging around in the mountains. Have I been spoiled at my jobs?? Yes...especially this one. It's a piece of cake. But there are no benefits and the pay is crappy, plus the drive. The new job will be 4 miles from my house (instead of 38) and the pay will be a little better and I will have benefits. So....I guess I will take it until such a time that I find something more suited to me and my personality. I really don't think this is going to be it. But my cousin has promised me a job if he gets elected Sheriff in November. That, of course, is a long shot. But I am still looking.And on top of everything else!!! I have a raging case of poison ivy. I may end up at the doctors if it doesn't start to get better. I have it everywhere except my face....thank god for that!! But I am sick and tired of waking up itching like crazy...it is driving me NUTS!!!And on top of that....I am really worried about having to deal with the drunk again. Oh he has been trying to be so nice to me lately....just makes me sicks when he acts like that, because I know that he is going to start drinking when I'm home again. I just know it and that is one of the other reasons I really didn't want to go back on an 8-5 job. I will have to find something to occupy my time in the evenings. I may quit going to school online and just attend tech school at night and at least get my Associates Degree. That would give me at least one leg up in the world, I would think. I guess that I will just have to wait and see how this all plays out. In the meantime, I will just keep my self happy with my loved ones and not worry about tomorrow. Things will get better, I just know it.
A Good Day - WOW!
Yesterday turned out to be a very good day. I probably have a new job, if I want it. I'm not sure of that at the moment because I got a surprise phone call last night from the person dearest to me and we laughed and talked for most of the night. It was just AWESOME!! I had been pretty upset about getting this new job because it would mean working days again and having limited time talking to my doll. I sort of like the nights if I could get use to this shift. I can once again surf the net, although I don't have the luxury of downloading my mail or working on my web page or any Paint Shop Pro fun, but it has it's good points.
The kid tells me that her Daddy bugs her when I'm not home. He drinks and then he goes and bugs the crap out of her about stupid stuff when she needs to be sleeping for school. I think she's pretty sick of it. And that is one other thing I don't know if I want to go back to. Having to deal with the drunk hub every night of the week. I have actually very much enjoyed being away from it. I don't have to be pissed off every night. That was really starting to wear on me. And although I get tired here at work....it is much better than being mad and dealing with the mouthy drunk. And I've noticed that I don't have to take as much of my medicine. My stomach doesn't hurt, my blood pressure doesn't stay through the roof and I've pretty much quit the anti-depressents except on an as needed basis, which hasn't been but once in the last little while. So....do I want to go back on days and have to deal with him at night when he's not working or do I want to stay in this job and be away from it until I can actually GET away from it?
For now, I'll just enjoy the time I have and worry about the rest of it later. And here is a great picture from last nights game...what a great winning face...TAKE THAT!! 
Quietly...Sadly
Hmmm....I am back at work again. Very quite tonight. Only 3 rooms rented and I didn't get a lot of sleep today, so I'm wondering how long I will last tonight. Guess that I will have to go for the coffee early. I have my school Seminar in the morning and an interview for another job tomorrow afternoon. Plus I have to work tomorrow night. That interview may be a bust I'll be so tired and probably look like crap...oh, well.It's been quite on the homefront, except for the drama king always having something wrong with him.....his blood pressure is up....he feels 'funny'....., his foot hurts because he thinks his gout is coming back (but he only limps when I'm looking!!) his side hurts and he can't breath. Then I think he actually has panic attacks; and I do feel for him, but he has cried 'wolf' so many times that my sympathy level is pretty much null and void. I tell him to go to the doctor. He's not paying those high prices for insurance for nothing. He says he will, but he never does. I think he likes playing the victim and seeing how much sympathy he can bilk out of everybody. I think some times that he is trying to see if I still give a crap and I think he is seeing that I don't. He has killed it and he knows it. I can feel sorry for somebody, but it is very hard for me to go back to ever caring when I have been hurt, emotionally drained and verbally abused. You can try your damndest by buying me things or being nice to me when you screw up, but sorry....you can't buy my love, that has to be earned.And speaking of love....I miss mine....so brief a time today and it makes me so sad.... I hope to be back on track soon. ***kisses***
A While!
Wow...it's been a few days since I wrote in this thing... I've just been so tired from this job, plus the fact that I had Monday and Tuesday off and last night was a travesty if there ever was one. I had to deal with thieving, destructive drunks who liked to get women drunk and assault them and then just leave them for me to deal with. What a mess. I had the cops here all night (at my job...not home, thank goodness). No coffee and I was just so tired and wanted to go home. Plus, of COURSE, the hub had called me here at work....DRUNK!! As if I didn't have enough drunks to deal with, I had to deal with that one, too. Oh, he was at least a nice drunk this time, but I definitely do not want this to become a habit with him...I'll be fired for sure. I did get an e-mail today from someone in my hometown who actually wants me to come in for an interview next week. As much as this shift affords me some amenities, I just can not get use to these hours and I'm so tired of being tired all the time. I did get a wonderful V-Day package from my sweetheart. Just wish that I could get around to enjoying it. Well...time to take out the trash....yeah....
Not As Prosperous a Sunday as Last Year!
Another night where I am suppose to leave work in the morning and there is suppose to be snow and ice. I am not sure they will ever get it right. We'll see.I slept today until time for the Daytona 500. After Jeff's woes and Tony the Idiots tirades, I went back to sleep. I woke up in time to see Jimmy get his victory. It was Jeff's car afterall *g*. I have it on on DVR if I decide I want to go back and watch the part I missed, which was only about 40 laps anyway.Took my shower and set up the DVR for the All-Star game because I had to come in to work at 9:00, instead of 11. It's about 2:40 now and I'm fading again. But, the blessing is I have had no phone calls from the drunk. Maybe he got too toasted to call me. Small favors...small favors.... And since I came in early, I get two days off instead of one....small favors....Got a speeding ticket on the way to work....why me?? I had been being so good. Was rocking out to System of A Down and didn't pay any attention to whether there were cops or not on the ONLY straightaway on the stupid road to work. At least the cop was nice. He could have got me for reckless driving, but he cut it down to where it won't go on my insurance...small favors...small favors....Now I need this coffee to wake my butt up....I don't think it would be good to fall asleep at my post...although the funny thing about it is that one of my bosses said it was ok. And I bet if I did, I would be fired tomorrow by the big guy who lives in Florida and sees all through all these cameras he has set up everywhere. I did get a more comfortable chair tonight. Now they just need a couple of keyboard drawers that are more on the correct level for typing on here. Maybe I should apply for the Head Desk Clerk Job....I could probably make some decent changes around here, but until they start to pay more and have benefits...no... I'll look for something else. I need to do my homework, but I don't feel like it. Shutting up now....babbler is me.
A Sign?
After my post last night I got a very wonderful, but unexpected surprise....an IM from my sweetheart!!! I guess that was my 'sign' that everything was going to be ok...be patient, have faith, Susie...it will come. You've waited this long...things will work out. It was SOOO wonderful talking to him for a while. He made me laugh and kept me going until time for me to head home. It was bliss. He can be such a nightowl...unlike me anymore. But the fact that he checked to see if I was online just made my...year!!! Thank-you, sweetie!!! You ROOL!!! It's funny....Shine On You Crazy Diamond is playing on my Launchcast....but I was just thinking 'Wish You Were Here'. I know you are having fun and that's what really matters (I mean that!!). But, boy, am I fading fast right now. I just realized why, too. I haven't had any coffee since I left here this morning. When I got home, sweet little Ash had breakfast cooked for me. She asked me if I wanted coffee, but I told her no because I was heading to bed very shortly thereafter. I slept until almost 6:30 this evening; got up, ate supper, took my shower, watched part of the NBA All-Star festivities and completely forgot about coffee...until now!! But I just made me a pot, so hopefully I"ll pick back up here shortly. The hub called on my cell phone after I got to work, after I had told him and told him that it doesn't work inside here. So I called him back and, of COURSE, he was drunk. I should have known. I left the house and he got tanked!!! I just don't get it. I do know I'm sick of it and I guarantee he thinks he is being good because he's waiting for me to leave at night...but he's wrong. I am thankful for small favors, though...at least I'm not having to deal with it every night.
Tired and True
I've had a lot on my mind today....mostly about my future and what it holds. I know where I want my future to go, but I am not sure that it will ever get there...and I've never wanted anything or anyone as much....but I'm not sure the feeling is mutual anymore. It may be no more than my insecurities kicking in again or my intuitions worming their way into my heart. I go through this ever so often and I think "I need to do something about this...and quick"; but I just let it ride. I just need to sit down and write the way I feel down and then actually send it, instead of hiding my feelings all the time. Old habits die hard. That's what happens when you've been hurt so bad in the past by revealing all your feelings....good and bad. Although there is really not any bad feelings with the exception of the "what does our future hold" thing. I guess I just don't feel a part of that future anymore and that makes me want to cry every time I think about it. So I guess I shouldn't think about it, huh? Easier said than done...old habits die hard... I'm just full of typical sayings tonight, aren't I? I don't need to think about these kind of things when I'm tired. I get so sad and blue and that definitely doesn't do me any good, because then I have to go home to this horrid thing I call "my life" and that makes it 100 times worse. Oh well....this too will pass.
Work...Good and Bad!
I haven't had to deal with the hub being drunk on the nights I've worked. He must stay sober until I leave, because he hasn't been getting drunk except on my nights off....or at least I thought. The kid told me that last night when I had to come in early to work he got tanked and called her boyfriend and talked to him. I can't believe he does that. What is his thinking?? Is he just lonely for somebody to talk to. Maybe he needs somebody on his mental level...that would surely be a 16 year old the way he has been acting for a very long time now. I just don't know about him and what makes him tick anymore. He goes back and forth at being happy and nice to being mean and a bastard....I truly believe he is bi-polar, although he would just croak if anybody ever said that to him, and if anybody was to suggest that he get help - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Not a chance in hell. Well, work has at least taken me away from most of the drama...thank goodness. That is one of the reasons I am enjoying this third shift, although it is definitely taking a toll on me to get a new routine going. One day when I head home I will be fine (alert) with 2 hours worth of sleep the day before. Today I got about 7 hours and I feel like I'm about the crash and I still have almost 5 hours left!!! I guess I will have to start the coffee drinking a little early tonight. Too bad all the Starbucks are 45 minutes away!! *g*. Ok, I'll go check the job sites and see if I can find something that at least pays a little more and maybe a first shift, although I'm not so sure I want to go back to that....go figure....
Valentines Day
Yesterday was a good day for one reason and one reason only and that was because of the sweetest man in the world. He made me feel so special and so loved and that is always a good thing.....put this HUGE smile on my face. Thank-you, baby!
The hub didn't get drunk, he was too busy bitchin' at the kid, but for once, I had to totally agree with him. It seems that she has been throwing Jerry Lee's medicine in the trash, just so she wouldn't get in trouble for not giving it to him. Stupid kid!! I was looking for a receipt in the trash yesterday and found his pills. I've always tried to tell her that she WILL get caught when she does something like that, but she doesn't believe it yet. I was LIVID!!! Poor Jerry...he can't give them to himself, and I know he wants to get rid of that skin irritation that he has. He's been so much better and then he started scratching again...now I know why.
I've got to work tonight. I dread it because I just can't get use to these hours. And the drive is starting to get to me, too. It is just a good thing that we didn't get the blizzard they were expecting...I never would have made it. Ok...got my Seminar for school coming up in a bit, so I'm outta here....
I Made It Through The First Day
I made it....my first day on my new job. I got so tired driving home, though, and that bugged me; but I'm doing much better tonight. Probably because I slept until after 2 this afternoon (only got about 5 hours, though) and then I laid back down after I ate my breakfast, lunch and supper...all in one meal. That is definitely going to be different. I was so hungry when I got home because they do not give you anything to eat here and they don't even have vending machines, but...they do have coffee and I am going to go get me a cup in a minute. It's really been nice not having to deal with the hub much. The kid has about talked me to death every time I've opened my eyes. Teenagers *grin*!! Well, it's almost 5 a.m. and I am starting to get a little draggy, so I guess it's off to the coffee station. Bud Shootout tomorrow, along with Daytona qualifying AND a Sixers game at 1:00....MUST sleep when I get home...lots to do - hehe!!
The Beauty of Winter!
Well...why in the heck do I start everything out with 'well'??? Oh, who knows. At the present time I am too darn tired to care. I'm surprised I can even type. I am at my new job...all alone on my first night (around 3:30 a.m.). I had a whirlwind training session (I remember maybe 25% of it); but thankfully, it's incredibly quiet here. I will probably croak when someone wants me to check them out or in, because I have not exactly got that OR the audit down pat. But the sounds of silence are BEAUTIFUL!!! I love working alone and if I can get my body to adjust, I could get use to this. This is also a gorgeous place and a gorgeous setting (part of Dirty Dancing was filmed at this hotel). The only problem is that I'm about 32 winding mountain miles away from home and we are suppose to get about 3-5 inches of snow starting any time now. I do have the truck, so that is a good thing since it's 4 wheel drive, but these mountain roads can be very tricky and as good a driver as I feel I am, it's been a while since I've driven mountain roads in the snow. Now if it snows and doesn't ice up too bad, I won't worry. But if there is ice, I will probably be a nervous and tired mess by the time I get home...if there are no other idiots out there on the highway. Who would have thought that I would get a job right at time for the first rather large winter storm of the year and who would have thought that I would get it in the mountains?? Pretty ironic! But I think someone is looking out for me who knows that I am pretty much a loner and, except for the shift (graveyard), this is pretty much perfect for me. Even access to the 'net when I get all my work done. How cool is that. And I don't have to be home and put up with the drinking and the arguments. If you could see the view out these doors and windows, you would be amazed. It is a small piece of heaven on earth. Ok...I'm babbling now. Guess it's time to shut up...publish and go off and do something else. I should study, but I wouldn't retain anything right now. Getting use to this shift will take a while.... Wish me luck :-))
Weird Evening!
Of course my LOST night had to be marred with the great family 'talk'. This one about Ash and her deal in Florida. Seems the D.A. called yesterday to discuss it with the hub and it is really a screwed up mess now. They want us to take her half brother because right now her MOLESTOR has custody of him, because her mother was picked up for prostitution and got her children taken away from her. The hub can be a drunken bastard, but Ash is much better off up here where she at least has a family that loves her and tries to protect her. I pretty much told them to quit kicking the dead horse (we had talked about this same subject for HOURS!!) and let me watch LOST. They did. I didn't even want to watch the Grammy's. Music is so awful these days that it is not worth my time and effort.The upside....I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy. Third shift, but what the hey!! I'll adjust.
Shocked and Amazed!
Wow....he stayed sober last night (or to the best of my knowledge, he did)!! I am still in shock. Probably because I told him he stunk, ask him if he was drunk when he got home...he smelled like alcohol, and he very nastily told me "NO". So he took a nap (probably still needed sleep from his last trashdom and also probably why he stunk!) and I worked on my Mid-Term (finished it, actually), cooked supper, washed dishes and did laundry and then watched 'Fear Factor'. Also finished my Stephen King book!! Great book....but I do not expect less from my favorite author. Now it's the start of a new week in school, so I must go read!! LUMB!! hehe!!
Do Something Good and This is What You Get!
I went last night to help my Mom serve supper to a civic group. Cooked for it, too, and worked my butt off. I was so tired when I got home (around 8) and guess what I came home to? A stumbling around idiotic drunk. He was plastered. It made me furious because I had brought home supper for us and he would not even eat it. I knew in my heart that it would be that way, but I keep hoping that he will prove me wrong. He never does. I am so sick of this and each day I get a little more depressed and a little more depressed. I just can not do this much longer. The Sixers lost, but Jeff Gordon's team mate, good ole Jimmie Johnson was on 'Las Vegas' last night. Thank goodness he's not an actor! hehe!! But it was pretty good. I finally went to bed at 10 and read and drifted off before 11...of course, he was passed out on the couch by that time...thank goodness!!
Super Bowl Silence....
I spent most of my day in bed reading with the exception of Mother calling and telling me she had locked her keys in her car and could I come and open it up for her. Of course, I did. The hub stayed buried in a magazine or a movie and I stayed buried in my Stephen King book until time for the Super Bowl. I read and watched.....not sure why :-)....but the hub got toasted in more ways than one. He drank and built a fire and stayed in the den away from me. He KNEW I wouldn't come in there with the fireplace going. To me, it wasn't cold enough outside to warrant a fire, but if it kept him away from me - YEAH! So all toll, not too bad a day.
Saturday Night Fights
Trashed and fighting with the kid!! Yup, that was my Saturday evening with the hub!! I had gone out and gotten supper, because I didn't feel like cooking and Ash had gone with me. I know that's a big mistake because he will be trashed by the time we get back and BINGO...I was right. I thought maybe after he ate, he would get a little better....wrong...he didn't hardly eat anything (ala just like his Mother does when she's screwed up) and then got more hateful than ever. I had picked up the chick flic 'In Her Shoes' and thank goodness he passed out very shortly into the movie. Ash got a call from her boyfriend, so I sat and watched it by myself through his horrid drunken snoring. I've learned to ignore it. At least the Sixers won....there is one good thing about Saturday night!!
Started Again!
I knew it was too good to be true. He had not been drinking for a few days, probably because he has been sick (and he gave the crud to me, too!), but last night he made up for it. The only beauty of it was that he passed out very shortly after Survivor came on and didn't stir again until it was time for me to head off to bed - YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! So I didn't have to deal with him and his stupidity.Great Survivor...looking forward to this one!Still feeling pretty crummy, but not just for the reasons that I have a cold.
Too Sick?
Who would have thought that he was too sick to drink? If he was drinking I could not tell it. He pretty much kept to himself and I pretty much kept too myself. Curled up in my Papasan chair and watched TV all evening. Finally go the Hi-Def part of the satellite back, but every freaking one of my favorite shows was a re-run, so I watched some stupid movie. I should have been studying, but I just didn't feel like it. Just wanted to veg and do nothing. Of course, I didn't sleep well again because I coughed all night long and then when I did get some sleep, I had my usual weird dreams. I still feel like crud, but at least I've got part of the day to myself today. Any little favor makes me happy.
Long Day!
Yesterday was pretty much a nightmare of a day. I was getting sicker by the minute and I had way too many things going on to feel this bad...especially with very little sleep. But at least it wasn't the horrid headache of last week. I can handle the sniffles and coughing and running nose better than a hideous headache. First on the agenda was to take Mother to pick up her van. She had some work done on it and so I took her to do that around 10; then I was expecting the satellite guy some time after 12, so I had to be at home for that. I studied for a little while, ate some lunch and then the hub came home just about the time the satellite guy got here. I told him what I had told Dish Network and so he began his check of all the wiring and systems. I decided to leave the hub to it and come back and study some more....but THEN, Mr. Drama King came in and said that one of our cats was missing and he just KNEW he was out and gone and we would never see him again. I rolled my eyes and thought 'oh dear lord, help me'. Needer has never been out of the house in his life, why would he suddenly want to take a trek (at age 12) to the great outdoors?? I figured he was hiding, but for the life of me I couldn't find him and he wouldn't answer me when I called. So finally I gave up and went to see what was going on with the satellite. The poor technician was going round and round with his company, who was going round and round with Dish Network and they were telling me that it was the receiver, when the people from Dish Network told me it wasn't. The technician said he had never seen anything like this before in his career as a tech. They were being a pain and telling him that we were going to have to shell out $350 dollars for a new receiver. Well, I won't say what words went through my head, but I told him they were INSANE. He agreed. Finally I talked to someone who told me that it would be tomorrow (today) before they could locate me a receiver and get it to me. I told them that was fine. The poor technician got told he was not going to get paid for his service call to come out here, which I thought was total BS (he had been here 2 hours or more) and left pretty upset. About that time Needer strolled into the living room from wherever he was hiding and looked at me like "What??". Well, Jerry Lee (the puppy dog) had been locked up in the kids room since the technician had been here and I let him out. He needed to go out, so I leashed him up and headed out with him. About the time we were headed back to the house, I stepped in a hole that was covered in leaves and down I went. Twisted my ankle and hurt my bad arm again. Poor Jerry just gave me kisses while I was on the ground and stayed right with me. THEN it was time to pull myself together and go pick up the kid at the high school. She had tried out for the rifle corp with her NJROTC class and made it. When I got there, she said that she needed to stay another hour or they wouldn't let her be in it. I was ticked, because I was suppose to pick up Mother and take her to Stephanies (my niece) to have a perm put in her hair and I didn't want to be there all evening because I STILL had homework to do. In the meantime, Mother had gone to the doctors office for an inner ear infection and had sat there waiting for 2 1/2 hours and finally got fed up and walked out. She called me and I told her what had happened, she was upset and I could tell she really didn't feel very good, but she said to just come over to her house and stay until we had to go back to pick Ash up. I went to her house, we ran a few errands and then we were there to pick Ashley up right at time she was suppose to get out. We waited and waited...no Ashley. Finally we left and went to McDonalds and picked us all up supper and came back. She finally came out about 6 p.m. I was not a happy, but what the heck could I do. Thank goodness the hub had a hood to do and was home, hopefully sleeping and leaving me alone (I didn't need any more); so we went out to Stephs and I played with Madison and talked to Steph about her Bon Jovi concert while she did Mothers hair. We got home about 10 last night and I still had to finish up my project. I was up until around 11:45 and then I was so tired, but so wound up, I read for about 45 minutes and finally drifted off to sleep, just to wake back up at 3:55 this morning, worse sick than I was yesterday. So here I am...home with a cold and the hub is ALSO home with a cold (BOOOOOOHISSSSS), so I am trying to just stay clear of him, because he started out bitching at the kid this morning and I am just not in the mood. I've got my class Seminar at 11, so that will definitely keep me occupied for a little while and I need to read my text book anyway, but wanted to get this entry written...so now, I guess I am done. Whew!!!! That was a long one. Gotta go check the clothes in the dryer and get back to reading....until.....
Stupid Shows!
There sure are some stupid shows on TV. I will be glad when Survivor comes back this Thursday. That will afford me LOST on Wednesday and Survivor on Thursday. At least 2 nights of decent TV. I felt like crap last night and was glad that the hub had to work. All I wanted to do was veg in my bed and watch TV, which is pretty much exactly what I did. I had to get up a couple of times and check on laundry, but the kid was on the phone all evening with her 'boyfriends', so she stayed in her part of the house and I stayed in mine. Made for a fairly nice evening. By the time he got home, I was pretty well in zoned out land, so I have no idea whether he drank or not, at least it was while I was awake and had to deal with it. YIPEEEEE!!!
Colds and Headaches!
Yup...another typical weekend, except this one was without the satellite dish, which sort of keeps things in check when need be around here. He got blasted the minute I took the kid to church yesterday morning and then got worse and worse each time I had to either go pick her up or take her back. That has become his MO....run and get the bottle and drink while I'm gone. It's like a child knowing where the hidden candy is and stealing a piece every time the parent walks out the door. So juvenile. I called him by his alcoholic/drug addict mothers name and really pissed him off. But he really pisses me off every day of my life. And the truth hurts!! Well, I seem to be coming down with a cold and getting another headache. I need a new life!
Yup, Friday Night!
Yeah, he got snockered....not totally trashed...so no fights - whewww!!! Kept his mouth shut (good boy!) and since the satellite is out, we watched 'Flight Plan'. It was ok....left me at the end saying "what did I miss?". Definitely could have been done better. It had potential, just fell flat. I took a pain pill for my arm and pretty much passed out, but had a much better nights sleep than I have been having. Dreading tonight, because he has a 'cold' on top of everything else that is supposedly wrong with him, so I'm sure it will only be worse. He self medicates (alcohol). I've got to figure out how to connect my DVR up to my TV in the bedroom so I can tape the Sixers game. It won't be hi-def, but it probably wouldn't have been on the big TV either. So we'll see. Should be an interesting day. I need to get some more DVD-R's. I only got a few and the last one screwed up because of the satellite going out right in the middle of a game - grrrrrrrrr!! Gotta run. Things to do and people to stay away from ***grin***.GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SIXERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Satellite Blues!
He had to work again last night and didn't get home until almost 10. YIPEEE!! I had tried to DVR my Sixer game, but the satellite decided to go out right in the middle of it. So I've got half of the game taped and a bunch of me trying to fix the dish, but to no avail. After much trouble shooting I found out that it's the lines coming into the house. Dish Network is going to CHARGE ME to send somebody out to fix the lines. Screw them, I'll try to do it myself and if I can't, then I'll get the hub to pay for them to come out here or we'll send the stupid equipment back and go with DirecTV again. They are becoming a pain.Ole poor pitiful him (insert sarcasm) has been faining a cold since he got home last night. Says he can't sleep and hasn't slept in days...well, I wonder why??? No bloody alcohol in his system to knock his ass out!! Oh, I'm sure that will change. It's the weekend!! Yeah for me...NOT!! But at least one of the special people in my life will have a good weekend....be it win (CROSSING FINGERS!!) or lose. I'll be there in spirit!! Ok....out for a while.
HeHe!!
You're cute!! ***big silly giggle and grin*** And yes, you are definitely more important than THIS thing....but it has become my place of concrete evidence...you know? Guess what?? I love you!!!
Good Nights For A While!
He had to go to work last night, although it got called off because the person forgot to tell the kitchen crew he was coming. But that was ok by me because he wouldn't drink before he went to work and he didn't get home in time to drink too much before I went to bed. I was engrossed in LOST and this is one of the first Wednesdays that I have been able to watch it in peace. He had a really late night job night before last, so he slept and left me and Ash alone. It was so nice. He is going to be gone until about 9:30 tonight, so maybe that will afford me another fairly peaceful evening. I could use them. It's been a long time since I've had this many peaceful days in a row. Whewwww!!!!On another front....I'm having a terrible time finding a job. The job market is horrible, but I keep trying every day. When it's meant to be, it will be. I have faith.
Up and About!
I guess last night was one of my more peaceful nights in a while. The hub slept up until time for him to go to do a job, so I cooked supper, the kid and I ate and I set my DVR to tape my Sixers game and then settled back into bed to watch it on the other TV. Thanks to my Mother, I had aquired the new Stephen King novel yesterday, so I started on it around 10:30 and read until about 11:30. It was great for my head to feel good enough to read. It was hard to put down and you would think with all the sleeping I have been doing that I wouldn't be tired, but I was...so a good nights sleep was finally mine. Now I've got to go wake 'it' up to go back to work. At least he'll be gone and leave me alone for a while.... Back to studying....
Back From the Dead!
After my post on Saturday, I got a very bad headache....and I mean very bad. It was so bad that I couldn't lift my head up off the pillow without almost crying. My Mother was beside herself with worry and tried to get me to go to the hospital. But I just can't without insurance. No way. My husband just got drunk....what's new, huh? I had to get up yesterday long enough to go to a hearing about my unemployment. It took 4 people from my old job to go up against little ole headachy me...I couldn't believe it. Bastards! I am sooooo glad to be away from that place. I hope they all die horrible deaths....yes, that's mean, but honest. I'm sick of being nice to people and then getting crapped on. Sick, sick, sick. Well, that just made my headache worse, so I came home and went BACK to bed. They probably won and I'll probably become a homeless person because of the State of North Carolina...then I will just sue the bastards....bastards. This evening is my first time of being somewhat 'better'. I still have a headache, but it is definitely better. I need to write my concerned friends and let them know that I am mostly alive and well, but I've got to finish supper first, although they should come first, but I had to get this off my chest while I had a chance. Until later.....
Two For the Money!
Yup....I at least got to watch that last night. Yup....he was drunk, but kept his mouth shut (he's learning). We went to Asheville yesterday, so that I could exchange some of the horrid/or duplicate gifts that I got for Christmas. I got 3 of the same book, so I took one back and exchanged it for the pre-order of the new Stephen King book....can hardly wait for that. It's been too long and it will give me something to lose myself in. Also got a LOTR wall calendar. I didn't get ANY calendars for Christmas which is extremely unusual. But this Christmas was a little different for my family anyway. We drew names for the first time ever. I'm not sure I like it, although it saved me money. I just miss shopping for everyone. Oh, well.I also made my first PSP stat in a while. Felt creative for a change. It was good therapy. Now I've got to dread him coming home from painting today and what this evening will hold. I hate having to dread the time with him. It makes for a very horrible life.
Should Have Known!
I hate being right...I really do. I knew that he would get trashed last night, BUT, on a brighter note, he KNEW he was trashed and tried not to talk to me too much. He knows how ill I get about him slurring his words when he talks to me. I just want to punch him right smack in the face and give him a reason to slur his words. Do you think I have ever felt that way about anybody before?? NO. I'm not a violent person. I don't throw things or hit people, although I have slapped him a few times when he has sent me into the 'red' zone. But he is starting to bring out a very ugly side of me and I don't like it.He did bug me one time last night about the kid being on my bed, talking on the phone (to a boy!) and playing her X-Box. He wanted to know if she should be doing that. I just about laughed my head off. I told him he was looking at a typical teenager. He so wants to control her and he's got to realize that the more he pushes and TRIES to control her, the more resentful and rebellious she is going to become. I see it happening.I did actually get to watch LOST without a fight or fuss or drunken conversation ensuing and interrupting the one show that I absolutely love. Once again, thank god for small favors!
Ring....Ring....
I think every friend I have (which are a selective few) called last night with the exception of Belinda and my beloved M (and I found out that he tried to call quite a few times yesterday). And dear Arie (yeah you!) called, but I was on the phone Kimbo and didn't get to talk with her. Sort of made me have an ominous feeling of doom for some reason. Thought that maybe I was dying and they all felt it and I didn't. Scary crap sometimes. Well, I missed all my shows (except Fear Factor) and the hub stayed pretty occupied or asleep (from drinking of course), so it was nice to get to talk to everyone that I did get to talk to. Kimbo is suppose to come over this afternoon some time. Jinley was seeing if the kids birthday present had arrived yet (unfortunately it hasn't....but she will be THRILLED!!). The hub is suppose to go to the doctor this afternoon, but they called and I guess they are going to re-schedule his appointment. That doesn't make me happy because he will probably be home early and bugging the crap out of me. But that's ok. I went out to breakfast with my Mom and I have to take the kid to church tonight, so I will have a little peace. Plus it's LOST night and I will be heavily involved in that, even if it's gets sticking drunk (which, for some reason, he has a tendency to do on Wednesday nights....not sure why). And I quite taking my medicine for arthritis because I had been having some really BAD headaches and I don't remember having them this bad until I started on that medicine. So now it's back to Advil and the hope that I don't hurt any worse. My arm(s) is/are starting to feel some better so maybe I'm on the road to recovery. One can always hope. Almost time for class...gotta run!
I Love My Friends!
I think every friend I have (which are a selective few) called last night with the exception of Belinda and my beloved M (and I found out that he tried to call quite a few times yesterday). And dear Arie (yeah you!) called, but I was on the phone Kimbo and didn't get to talk with her. Sort of made me have an ominous feeling of doom for some reason. Thought that maybe I was dying and they all felt it and I didn't. Scary crap sometimes. Well, I missed all my shows (except Fear Factor) and the hub stayed pretty occupied or asleep (from drinking of course), so it was nice to get to talk to everyone that I did get to talk to. Kimbo is suppose to come over this afternoon some time. Jinley was seeing if the kids birthday present had arrived yet (unfortunately it hasn't....but she will be THRILLED!!). The hub is suppose to go to the doctor this afternoon, but they called and I guess they are going to re-schedule his appointment. That doesn't make me happy because he will probably be home early and bugging the crap out of me. But that's ok. I went out to breakfast with my Mom and I have to take the kid to church tonight, so I will have a little peace. Plus it's LOST night and I will be heavily involved in that, even if it's gets sticking drunk (which, for some reason, he has a tendency to do on Wednesday nights....not sure why). And I quite taking my medicine for arthritis because I had been having some really BAD headaches and I don't remember having them this bad until I started on that medicine. So now it's back to Advil and the hope that I don't hurt any worse. My arm(s) is/are starting to feel some better so maybe I'm on the road to recovery. One can always hope. Almost time for class...gotta run!
Fairly Quiet Weekend!
He dranked less than usual and he bitched less than usual. Not to say he didn't do either, because that would be pure heaven, but it was less than usual. I'm just so sick of every time he does something nice for Ash and me we end up having to go through a couple dozen guilt trips about it and how wonderful a person he is for all the great things he does for us (oh yeah, sure, right!!). And he is the so whiny and needy. Something on him hurts every freaking day of is life. Let's see....this weekend was his foot...still and now his throat is really bothering him. I went out when I took Ash to church and got him some Chloroseptic and some Zinc tablets (my money)....I also went to Golden Fried and KFC and picked up a few things to go with our leftovers for lunch after church (my money). But he generously (insert sarcasm) offered to buy supper - wooohooo!! I'm being hateful, but I'm getting so resentful of everything it's really getting bad.I did get to watch 'Red Eye' this weekend. Great psychological thriller. Unrealistic in a lot of ways, but fun none the less.
Great and Peaceful Game!
WOW!!! What a game last night!! I was in awe through the last quarter and the triple overtime!! My Sixers beat those stupid Celtics - WOOHOO!!! And I got to watch the game in peace from the hub. He was tired and slept through the whole thing. My brother called and talked for a while, but at that point the game was pretty boring, so I didn't mind too much...mind you I say too much. I'm not very happy to be interrupted during a race or a game. I usually get pretty ill, but he wanted to tell me that my nephew has accepted a job with Chevron and will be moving to Houston, TX in March with his long time girlfriend. I'm thrilled for him. He's going to go places in life and that is so good. Ok...it's Saturday again and I'm sure that tonight the hub will be smashed. I hope he proves me wrong...we'll see.
Small Favors
Thankful for small favors. The hub had to work last night and didn't get home until after 10. I was watching ER and he talked through the whole bloody rest of the show. Like I truly care about his day of painting and doing hoods. Considering that and his foot is all he talks about, I get extremely bored. Plus the fact that he could care less about me. He just wants to know if I'm feeling better and he might possibly get lucky. No, no a thousand times NO!!! I don't want him to touch me. He literally makes me sick, even to think about it...ewwww!! He did it to himself and I don't feel bad about the way I feel. He probably got drunk after I went to bed. As long as it wasn't while I was up, I don't really care. Another long day today, too....YEAH!!! Got my Sixers to watch tonight. GOOO Lil' Allen!!!
Best Sleep!
Wow....the best sleep I've had in months came when the hub worked Tuesday night and stayed gone all night! I guess that REALLY should tell me something. I stayed up and fricked with my new DVR which I can't get to work and generally just did what I wanted to and then slept like a baby. How kewl is that??? But then, of course, he had to be at home last night and drinking and bitching as usual. So that blew my wonderful Tuesday out of the water. At least I won't have to see him for long tonight either because he has an early evening job which will probably put him home around 9 and I can go to bed shortly thereafter and not have to deal with him and his stupidity. Thank god for small favors.
Headaches Everyday!
He came through the door bitching and he didn't stop until I finally went to bed. If he wasn't bitching at me about something he was bitching at Ashley about her friend Tyler sending her a text message when he made it very clear that she was not to do text messaging on her cell phone. Well, guess what?? She didn't. Tyler sent her 2 text messages and she told her Dad about it and didn't respond to them. I would call that responsible and good judgement. Her Dad wants to take her cell phone away and take her off his plan...all because of what someone else did. He feels that she should have told Tyler that she didn't have text messaging, but she didn't even think about him having it because he has a prepaid phone. Sounds logical to me, but not to her Dad.And to beat all...he was suppose to have a late night job last night, but while I went to pick Ashley up at school and run to Wal-Mart to pick up supplies for the house, he started drinking. Here he was suppose to have a job and he was DRINKING!!! And he thinks his daughter is irresponsible. Oh, please. But, of course, he got out of the job in his usual twisted way, so then he just proceeded to get drunk and keep bitching. I have a head ache all the time now. And as much as I love Ashley, I don't know how much more of this I can take. Mental abuse is 10 times worse than physical. I would rather him hit me with his fist than to hit me with his viscious words. They can be cutting and horrible and I know they are all to make me feel guilty and 'keep me in line'. Unfortunately, sometimes it works. I started to detest him. Shouldn't that tell me something?
Tiring Weekend!
Had to work with the hub all weekend because his stupid idiotic help (if you can call them that) called out on him. Made for a tiring and busy weekend. Now my arm hurts again, but what the frick does he care. Basically, take some Advil and shut up. He drank very little this weekend an for that I am thankful. Not too much arguing with me or the kid, for which I am thankful. And he has to work alot this week at night...for which I am TRULY thankful. And Ash has her driving permit. She's bugged me all weekend to go here and go there and of course, we've gone when we had the time. She's a good driver and I hope she stays that way. I think she likes driving with me because I don't get nervous or freak out. I just let her do her thing...and watch as closely as I can...just in case....and answer questions she has. What more can I do? I don't think driving with her Dad would be condusive to her learning. She doesn't need nervous bitching and that's what she would get with him. I let her driving to school this morning so she could show off. I know it made her feel good. Ok....just thankful that this weekend has not been the usual weekend nightmare. Yes, I'm tired, but I'm not so completely aggravated like I normally am on Mondays from a weekend of drunk hub and fighting. YEAH!
Phone to Play With!
He was drunk last night, not trashed...just drunk, but he had a new cell phone to play with, so he pretty much kept to himself trying to figure out how to download a ringtone...I had to laugh inside...bad me!! But he leftme alone, so I wasn't complaining. Finally, I just got up and left him to his own devices and went to bed. Unfortunately, though, the kid and I had to work with him today and I'm really worn out right now. I hope this evening is not bad...I'm too tired to put up with it right now. Onward and upward!LYMB...my own code!!
It's the Weekend!
Took Ash out for her birthday last night. She was going to get her driving permit, but didn't have one piece of paper that she needed, so I guess that will have to wait until today. I was quite shocked that the hub even took her there to try and get it for her. He had been saying for months that he wasn't going to. Then we took her out for supper at Outback and then another surprise...he went to Verizon Wireless and got her a cell phone for her birthday. Boy the guilt of his Christmas even phone call to her boyfriends Mom must really be kicking in. Then when we got back home, I took Ash out to see her boyfriend at work for a few minutes, since his Mom won't let them see each other (the women is psychotic) and of course when I got back, hub had had a shot or two of his usual libation, but thank goodness it was close to bedtime, so I didn't have to deal with it for very long and it wasn't horrible. I'm sure the weekend coming up will change all that. But of course, I will write what occurs here...for me and thee (whoever thee may end up being!)
Gout and Drugs
Yesterday the hub came home early from work and went to the doctor. Seems that his gout is acting up again (he won't take his medicine) and his blood pressure is sky high (he won't take his medicine and he drinks too much). So to the best of my knowledge, all he did last night was take his Vicodin for pain and his medicine for his foot. He was a whiny pain in the ass, but not a complete asshole as usual. Yeah for a day of peace. Jerry got fixed yesterday and Ash and I had to pretty much do everything to take care of his 112 pound big butt. He is such a sweet pup though that we are glad he is finally having a little money spent to take care of him. So now, I'm tired and today is Ash's birthday. Must go get stuff to make a cake.
Start of A New Year!
Have decided to use my Blog as a diary of sorts to keep up with the craziness of my husband, so that I will have a record of his stupidity when I finally file for divorce...with correct dates and times. I may have to go back a ways and fill in some dates, just for FMI sake...but this will be an ongoing, hopefully daily thing so that I can use it if needed.He was totalled on Christmas Eve and called up Ashley's boyfriends Mom and pissed her off so bad that she took Ash's boyfriend out of their school. How stupid is that, on both accounts.He was also totalled two days ago...so incoherent that he thought we had a den full of people who were waiting to play board games (there was nobody in there) and then he thought I was standing on a ship when I was standing in the bedroom. Wasted was not the word. He called me a bitch, but that's tame compared to what he usually says to me. Very, very verbally abusive. Why have I put up with it?? Ashley. She has already had her Mother abandon her and I'm not going to abandon her right now with what she has facing her in Florida. Not pretty. My Mother said the other night that there is a time to stay and a time to run and she feels that my time to run is drawing nye. I have to agree. I can't find his pistol....I don't know where he has hid it. I know where the shotgun is, so that's a plus....like I could use the big ass thing. And he hides his booze. I can't find it either. Shame that Ash knows when he drunk and has even looked for his booze without me knowing about it.He also threatens to burn the camper, or take me off of this account or quit paying the 2nd mortgage if I won't do what he wants me to do. As long as he doesn't burn down my house or hurt Ash or me, I really don't care what else he does, with the exception of paying the 2nd mortgage because he is the reason we have the damn thing....camper, his pressure washer and credit card bills.Last night he was about half lit and complaining about his foot (he has bouts with gout). He was crying and whiny and unfortunately, I didn't feel sorry for him because of all the hell he has put me through for so long and especially during the holidays. And there is something wrong with him everyday. He gets mad at me if I'm sick or complain of something hurting, but you can be guaranteed that he is going to have the exact same thing and many more shortly thereafter. I will have to also note all the complaints he has (back, feet, head, hands, arms...endless!). Ok...so this is the first of many and I'm thankful that I have this forum to write in. My Blog...My Life - whoopie!
Holidays
I use to love Christmas. It was my favorite holiday. But now every freaking year I have to fight with my husband about his stupid redneck family about Christmas and how I don't want to include them on Christmas Day. Well, guess what?? He's absolutely RIGHT!!! They don't like me, I don't like them and why should I have to spend my favorite holiday with people I don't like??? I'm so sick of fighting every Christmas. As usual, there are only 3 people that make this holiday worth anything....my sweetheart (god I love buying for him...it's so much fun!!); my best friend (who thankfully will be here for Christmas); and my Mother...who I just don't know what I will ever do without. But I'm just biting my nails and waiting for the time when I can get Ashley through her ordeal and then I want out of this mess so bad. His drinking has gotten worse and I dread even being around him. But, just know I do it for Ash...nobody else. I love that kid and she's been through enough and doesn't need me bailing on her. She doesn't deserve that. But I just want to love Christmas again and love the people that I spend time with at Christmas. It should be a time of joy, but now I'm starting to understand why people get so depressed at Christmas...they have spouses like mine. I would rather be alone.BUT, on a happier note!!!!!!!!! KING KONG STARTS TODAY!!!!!!!!!! Go Peter Jackson!!!! I can hardly wait to see this movie. It was my very favorite movie growing up and there is nobody I would rather have re-do it than Peter!!! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!
Christmas, Love and Friendship....
Wow....my heart is racing again and I'm in the Christmas spirit for a change. Why?? Because I'm madly and passionately in love. With who?? Well, that's for me to know and only my best friends to find out....let's just say, if you know me....it hasn't change from the man it was 3 years ago.... The only problem is that we can't be together on Christmas, which just sucks more than anything in the whole world....BUT, to help ease that pain, my best friend (besides him....because he's my best friend, too) is coming up for Christmas and I can hardly wait to see her and her furry kids. My furry kids are looking forward to it, too....just means more stockings on the fireplace - WOOHOO!! Christmas ROCKS!!!
Work Again?
I am leaving in about an hour for my first job interview since being out of work for a little over 3 months. I feel good about it, but I do NOT want to jinx it by saying who it is with. No, it's not a computer job like I really wanted, but if I get it I think it will be a job I will truly enjoy. So wish me luck and if I do get it, I will post a picture of my employer here. If not...shhhhhhhh, I'll never tell.
Pain and Drugs
Wow, I really need to do a better job of keeping my journal and blog better up to date. But, oh well, oh hell.My adorable dog (see pic) decided that I was a snow sled yesterday (although there wasn't any snow on the ground) and that the mail woman was a doggie treat...so, you guessed it, I went for a ride. Ended up with a badly pulled muscle in my left arm, broken reading glasses that were on top of my head when I hit the ground face first and a dog that decided just to run around the mail truck like an idiot until I got myself up and went and grabbed hold of his leash. It would have been a great Funniest Home Video...people would have laughed...hard. I'm sure I was a spectacle. But I have no pain killers except good ole faithful Advil, so I am probably going to take a few of those, take a HOT Epsom salt bath and keep the faith that this will get better soon. The typing position is about the only position I can keep it in without it just killing me. Every time I tried to stand up to cook supper yesterday the pain would hit me and I would almost pass out. Supper got done, though...eventually.
Hmmmm...
Wow...It's been a while since I posted to my blog. Nothing to write about as far as the 'journeys of Susie' goes that would be of one single bit of interest to anybody. Stay pretty blue most of the time...but then I want to kick my damn self because I have no reason to be blue in comparison with what most all of my friends are having too deal with. I haven't lost a brother to violence; my house hasn't been destroyed in a hurricane; I still have my health and a roof over my head and food in my mouth. And I have friends that I know care about me and a mother who is still alive and that I know loves me. So, you know life is pretty good. My sports world sucks; my home life sucks, but I do have someone in my life that offsets that part of what I get blue about....so, I can move on and quit complaining. I really truly am blessed in more ways than not.
My First Crash
Well, it finally happened....my computer here at work crashed on me. My LIFE was on that stupid computer and I'm sitting here biting my nails wondering if I can recover anything. Hell, who knows, with it being a work computer, I'm liable to be fired for all the shit (nothing illegal or immoral) I have put on that computer. They've cracked down pretty hard over the last year, but I've ignored them. Oh, well.....life will go on. I have to believe that and figure that somewhere along the line I can recover most all of the stuff. So....I'm waiting and wondering what my future holds, both work and computer wise. That's what they get for not giving me a new computer. I hate this place....
Two Months Gone!!
Damn...has it been two months since I posted in my Blog??? Time is slipping away....faster and faster it seems. Wanted to post an 'omen' picture for this weekend; but Blogger is NOT cooperating. I will post it later...but needless to say..... GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO JEFF!!! Win this one for the home team!!! Time to kiss the bricks!!!!
New Music...I LOVE....
Since the beginning of the week I have been listening to an incredible new CD. It's called Room V and it's by Shadow Gallery. It has moved into my top 10 all time favorite albums, which is saying a lot for as long as I've been listening to music. So I guess that someone should be very happy about that ;-). In case you are in your local record store, request it....look for this cover:
I guarantee 100% that if you are a Progressive Rock fan you will NOT be disappointed.
Busy and Blue
Had a very busy day today. Stupid newsletters!! At least I do like my new boss and think that she will be an asset and really try to help me win back the favor of the people above her who are making way to much fucking money to have the low IQ's that they do. Makes me sick.But was a little blue 'cause I didn't hear from my sweetheart today. Thought maybe he wasn't pleased with what I sent him. I'm such a doubting 'Susie'...*g*...can't help it. Too much of a perfectionist for my own damn good, I suppose. Just keeping my fingers crossed that I hear from him.....or my nerves are going to be shot. Just checked my mail and one of my Alpha Sisters is sick because some stupid doc apprently gave her the wrong medication. There sure are a bunch of rich idiots in this world. Must go make a stat for her...hopefully will cheer her up...
The Four
Yesterday was a wonderful four hour conversation with that very special person in my life. It was great. I laughed, giggled, furroughed my brow, listened, pissed him off putting him on hold; but smiled inside the whole time.
It must have been my day for the phone because I talked to my niece and both my brothers last night on top of listening to some new songs and watching 'Team America'...that movie is a RIOT!!! But not for everyone!!
I'm still so behind on getting everything 'up and running' with my web site; but I'm getting there. Just wonder how much cross-posting I'll do with my LJ and my Blog. Probably not much. I think I'm pretty much going to use my LJ for my venting, although I'm sure my Alpha sisters won't like that too much. They've definitely seen my 'dark side'.
But I'm going to the Coca Cola 600 this weekend. I LOVE that race. There is just nothing like being there. The smells, the crowds, the cool merchandise, the funny people when they get drunk...and of course, the race. Just hope it's as filled with excitement as the All-Star race was this past weekend. I see that Joyce is going to be coming down from Maryland...but I haven't heard from her...so I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens when they get here. She's probably pretty put out with me because I don't really stay in touch with them anymore. But I just can't help it. Life is just so strange. Well, back to the web page, so people can at least see this stupid blog. hehe!!
It's A New Day
Been so busy lately with work and projects outside of work. I have neglected so many things; and it seems so many people. It drives me nuts not to be completely organized; so I'm working at getting my life back in some semblemce of order, even though with my personal life that seems like an oxymoron...because my personal life is pure caos. But for now, I have two places to 'write down' my feelings, here and at my LJ. My wonderful Alpha group are the only ones who can read my true VENTS on my LJ, but if you have one and want to actually hear me bitch...let me know. Well, that's all I have time for today...must work on some web pages and worry about some projects. But now that I've got this setup, I'll be back!
